A Few Random Things (including dating stuff, which seems to be the most fun for the readers)

Lots to blog about, but as always there's very little time.
First off I'm kinda pissed at the Yeshiva here. Me and my three roommates were away for the first days of Succos, and right after I left one of the powers that be here decided to let some alumni use our room without asking any of us. So when I got back I found the room unlocked with our stuff moved a run and a bt of a mess (the only thing that appears to be missing is one a sweatshirt). Talk about an invasion of privacy. Not to even ask? I mean I wasn't having a good time here before, and this is just adding to the flame. Thank the Lord I will be away from here for a few days next week, due to the wonderful hospitality of the Amazing Jestifer!

In the world of movies I saw "A History of Violence" this week, which was great (even if those of multiple birth disagree with me :)! David Croenenberg made sure to make it heavily R-rated as only he can: grotesquely classy. The story was just so simple, yet completely engaging. I hadn't seen any previews for this film, which I'm sure would have ruined a lot of it for me. I think seeing the story unfold without knowing much about it elevated my level of joy during the screening. So I won't divulge the plot here for those of you who haven't seen it. I will say that it was Viggo Mortensen's best role since LOTR.

Last night was Bet Shemesh Fest, a musical festival featuring the top names in Jewish Music (except, of course, "EXCEPT SATURDAY" :) In previous years I loved this night. This time around it was still enjoyable, but if everyone over the age of 35, and under the age of 20 suddenly disappeared I'd be the only one there. But Soulfarm was excellent, and the Moshav Band's Yehuda Solomon and his older brother Noah Solomon (lead singer of Soulfarm) had a ska battle before the beginning of "Don't Give Up"- it was spectacular. And C Lanzbom played lead for Moshav, and during "Higher and Higher" unleashed the best guitar solo I've seen since Dave Navaro ran around the stage full speed five years ago at a "Janes Addiction" show (I forget what song, might have been "Been caught Stealing"). So the music made the night enjoyable, even if the demographic didn't.

In the world of dating, nothing to report- some very preliminary stuff, but nothing at all worth mentioning. HOWEVER, there's some interesting news in a good buddy's of mine love life. See back to the "Step it Up Ladies" blog (http://thehopefulfool.blogspot.com/2005/05/step-it-up-ladies.html) were I talk about the guy in the corner. Well to make a long story short, a guy in the corner stepped it up (apparently) , and sadly got shot down. He liked the girl for a while, worked up the guts and took the plunge...Unsuccessfully. But then a short while later the girl changed her mind, and totally wants to go out with the guy!! And get this: now he's not interested! This could be because he met someone else, doesn't want to get hurt, had a change of heart...who knows? Now my friend is really upset cause she genuinely likes the guy (who happens to be a mensch btw, though I don't know him all that well), and can't have him, too late!. She's hoping in time they can work it out and start something up. I for one am proud of the former corner dweller: not only did he go all out, but he actually switched power positions: bravo! Yet at the same time I do think the two would make a cute couple, although I'm SURE there's some issues I'm not completely aware of. Ahhhh the perils of romance....
I'll do my best to keep y'all posted in this area.

Chag Sameach!

I FINALLY DID IT!

Since I've started this blog I have not used this font (courier). Why? Because it the font one uses to write screenplays, and as I was continuously working on mine, I told mytself I wouldn't blog in the font until I finished. Well, B"H I'm very happy to say that I finally finished my screenplay! It's 106 pages long (a script should be between 90-120 pages),and it might suck, or be quite good...I don't really know. The important thing is is that I conquered my fear and did it. Now I can go from being an inspiring failed writer, to a plain old failed writer :)
I would just like to thank two really great friends for really pushing me over the last year or so. First my buddy Evan (!) who gave me enough confidence in my writings to once again work on "Hitler" (he's a character in the script), and second to the guy who just can't remember your name, MATT, who was certainly persistent in asking "How's the script going?" over the last year after I asked to make sure I get it done. I thank you both (And my old friend Joel who I don't speak to any more- but he loved the idea for the movie when we were 16, and I guess that prevented it from dying), and wish you long years filled with SCHWAAA~~~~
It took me 7 years to finish this thing (talk about procrastination), and I did shed a few tears once it was done. Now I just have let people read it and hopefully take their criticism well.
The only problem now is that finishing this thing was one of my two main goals in Israel. And the other isn't something I can really work on, it just has to happen. It's like aging: you can't work on turning a year older, it just happens. Perhaps I'll get back to the novel I started last year, though I'm not sure where I want that story to go at all, or maybe I'll turn a baseball play I was working on into a screenplay. Not sure. I'll have to figure out something, otherwise I really will have too much time on my hands. But right now, or at least for a few days I will revel in this accomplishment because it is something I'm quite proud of, and even if it's a hooooorrible script, at least I can say that I finally did it.

Bullet with Butterfly Wings

Am I losing my mind? I sure hope not, but things aren't looking too great. I've been feeling down lately, like I made a big mistake by coming here. I've tried talking to people for some help but no one has been able to give me any sound advice. Even the Rosh Yeshiva wasn't so helpful (though I truly appreciate the time he gave me), saying little more than "pray for clarity" and another personal thing that also wasn't so helpful. Unfortunately I finally lost it the other day...on a rabbi! Now I have to say I've never liked this man, and have always found him to be somewhat rude, haughty and self-righteous, though he is a rabbi here and I should respect him. He said something to me that really irked me, and though I do believe he was patronizing me, it was probably wrong of me to patronize him right back... I couldn't have been more sardonic. He looked like he wanted to knock me out (I must point out that if I had talked this way to one of the rebbeim I look up to, they would have reacted with concerned shock, and maybe even a hug, showcasing humility instead of ego). I later apologized and I guess all is well there except it really isn't overall.
My Yom Kippur davening was... messy. It was emotional at times, empty at others, occasionally frustrating, and my mind didn't seem to be able to stay focused. Though I still did enjoy the davening here more than I would have anywhere else. Thank G-d I have vacation for a couple weeks, hopefully I'll be able to sort things out during the time. But right now I'm feeling religiously stifled. I'm having the same angry thoughts I had when I was 18. Namely that G-d took us from being the Egyptians slaves to being his slaves. I know this sounds sacrilegious, but there's truth in it. In some things we don't have real free will. I could have eaten today but would have gotten Karet. When one is threatened with death, theres not much of a choice. If I brake Shabbos (in all the "right" ways) I once again get death. Eat chometz on Pesach... I believe it's death once more (or something equally unattractive). If I have relations with a stag, it's death for me...and the stag! (OK that one I kind of agree with, but you get the idea). I feel completely in servitude. Say I want to skip davening altogether tomorrow, then I have to worry about G-ds wrath (which must be worse than that of Kahn). Same thing goes for any other forbidden desires I have, everything from touching a girl (there has to be a stature of limitations on negiah!) to wearing wool and linen together- oh what rebel I could be fooling around with my nonexistent girlfriend wrapped in shatnez sheets! I know I shouldn't make jokes about such things, I guess it's my way of venting, though I am once more fearing the Almighty's anger. So why don't I delete this stuff? Well he's also supposed to be very understanding and compassionate, so I'm hoping it's that part of him that understands my anger and frustration.
I 100% believe in him and Judaism, but nevertheless still feel enslaved. Yet, I've just accepted by servitude, and am trying to deal. I wish I could trult feel "IT", but I just don't. There was certainly a part of me that was jealous of all the emphatic guys clapping, banging, and (I promise) jumping as they davened today. The closest I got was slamming down on my shtender in frustration and pain cause I accidentaly squashed my toe during davening; it hurt, I slammed, people thought I was having a super intense spiritual moment: I wasn't. So, basically I'm G-ds slave and I just ain't happy about it. I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't have a better way to go about it all. Truth is, sometimes I wish I could just do the 7 Laws of Noah, and that'll be that, though of course that's not an option for me as I was born into Judaism, and there's really no way out of it (without facing the Wrath). I really am hoping for some good suggestions in comments land. Be aware that I've thought a great deal about this and will most likely fiercely retort any suggestions with the best of my abilities, all the while someone will have a brilliant suggestion I've overlooked that will help deal with the nearly paralyzing issue.

Oh and the blog title is a reference to a VERY famous Smashing Pumpkins sonf. If you don't get it I'm sure Josh Becker will explain it to you.

Year End Letter

Dear those who bother to read my site,

I have to admit I'm happy that this year is finally over. All in all I'd have to say that this was a very bad year that had some silver linings. I graduated college- though I don't think that was such a big deal because I did amazingly well, B"H, the 2 years before so I would have had to fail everything not to graduate. I went to Europe and fulfilled a small life goal in doing that, and it was wonderful. And the patronus of silver linings was that I made some great new friends, and got closer with old ones . Without these awesome people I think this past year would have been truly dark.
I don't think there's any need to discuss all the pain and bad memories of 5765, which interestingly enough started with a shattering bang the day after Rosh Hashana (and I davened my heart out too). All I can say is that I certainly learned a lot from my mistakes and experiences. I know I have grown and become stronger in many ways. I guess that's what overcoming pain and frustration does to a person. I'm not sure I'm in a good place right now, or if it's even the right place, but I know it isn't a bad place, and I can't see myself going anywhere but up from here on in.
The past 24 hours have been interesting. I had a strange feeling the last day of the year would end just as dramatically as the beginning started. Huge news: I finished Harry Potter 6 last...kidding. The book was enjoyable and I can't wait for book 7, but it really isn't anything significant in my life overall. What was important was that I finally got to talk to not one, but two rebbeim, and I'm starting to feel a little better, and stronger. I'm certainly not as down. My sister also let me know if an intriguing prospect for when I return, and most interestingly enough I think I may have found a big purpose for me being here: Last night the one guy I've become real friends with here broke up with his girlfriend of 1 year (her doing), and if there's anyone that knows true heartbreak it's yours truly. I feel quite bad for him. I gladly rearranged my whole day to hang out with him, and play some tennis, go for a walk ,and just shmooze. I know how important it is to have your friends and not be alone at times like this (wink wink). I think maybe part of the reason I made the somewhat illogical decision to come here was that Hashem maybe wanted me to help out this good guy, as it seems I'm the only one of the guys our age here who can give him some empathy. I hate to think that I'm benefiting from his sorrow, I'm certainly not happy, but I am thankful that I can help out a friend in need.
I am confident that 5766 will be worlds better than the past year. It will be filled, G-d filling, with accomplishments, success, loved ones, and happiness.
So as the final hours of 5765 pass I would just like to thank all of you who have been there for me in the last year, and helped pick me up when I was down. I hope I Don't have to return the favor, but will be there in a heartbeat if the situation arises.
As for this blog? Well nearly 5000 hits...woh. I'm really glad that people actually bother to read what I have to say. I have no intention of stopping this blog, as it was one of the best things I did last year, hack you can add it to those silver linings.

Whether you're a Jew or a gentile I'd like to wish you a HAPPY, healthy, successful year, and Hashem should answer all your tfillot in truth.

With all my gratitude,

The Hopeful Fool

p.s. One quick word on the Mets as they ended their year last night as well. We had a winning season this year, saw how great Wright and Reyes will be, discovered Mike Jacobs and said goodbye to Mike Piazza, who I will always cheer even if he becomes a Yankee, as he was the heart of our Mets for so long, and played with a certain class and dignity that eludes so many players these days. We'll miss you Mike, thanks for all the great memories...especailly the walk off homer over Bonds last year that I got to experience at Shea with my nephew. METS IN 2006!!!!

I'm Not Gordon Gekko

I just finished another lackluster, tedious round of slichot, but that's not tonights topic.
Last week I had a chat with my brother in law who was trying to convince me to get my NBA and go work on Wall St. In no way was this intriguing to me, but I humored my bro-in-law as he went on and on about how well one can do even if they're not the best broker, trader etc... He said that I should do it for a few years, make a couple of mill and move on. Like it's that easy. But that's not even the point.
I did not take one single business class in college, so going to business school might be a tad difficult. But that too is not the point.
I know jack about the market (unless it's movie related ala' my brilliant call on Marvel 3 years ago), and to be honest, I ain't that interested. But once again: not the point.
Are you ready for the point? OK, here it comes: Going into a job like that is sure to make miserable in life. To be frank I was a little shocked (as well as amused) that he would make such a suggestion. Does the man not know me at all? For those of you who know the fool, do you honestly think a job on Wall St. is fitting for the Fool?
I must say that I love my brother-in-law. I think he's a good man, is an excellent provider for my sister and their children, and we've had some good time together (movies, baseball games etc..). I'm also touched that he's always taken an interest in my life, and tried to give me sound advice. I didn't always agree with it, and other people would say the opposite of what he said as well, but nevertheless his heart was in the right place. But the fact is he came from a very different world than I did. He grew up in back Lawrence I grew up in Queens...and though I could probably say a lot more to differentiate myself from him, I think that saying that is enough, hilarious as it is. He has done very well for himself in business, and I hope he continues to have success. But I could be happy in life living on a mere percentage of what he earns. Yes I'm aware of how much rent, tuition, insurance cost. But I'm more than willing to cut back on personal pleasures (does that sound dirty or is it me?). Truth is I've always been quite good at cutting corners, saving dough and overall fulfilling my stereotype as a Jew.

Now I have nothing against people who work on Wall St., and I think it's fine that they make a healthy living for their families. I just couldn't work a job like that. Why? Well because of the above reasons and a few more I neglected to mention (that whole "not the point" thing would have got really tiresome if I did). I don't see how working in such a line of work could help me grow as a person, as a yid. I don't think I'd be contributing anything to society, nor will I be able people or making the world better in any way. My main focus would be $ $ $ $ $ $ $., and as much as I love Scrooge McDuck I just wouldn't be happy in such a life (stay tuned for a Duck Tales blog in the near future!).
Money isn't everything, and greed, for lack of a better word, is not Good. That's a statement negating a famous quote from this blogs title character. The movie was "Wallstreet" and Michael Douglas played Mr. Gekko (and won an Oscar for it). He exemplified the heartless, venomous anti-hero of the financial world (I use that term as there are many who look up to his character. See: "Boiler Room"- not only because I'm in it, but it happens to be a good flick..and even defends my arguments here). He might have been happy in a villainous way, but I did not see a tinge of true meaning of real fulfillment in his life (or as it was displayed by Oliver Stone.) The scary thing is that I think that if the dark side of my id took over I could be very Gekko-esque and do quite well in his field. I often find myself coming up with vindictive, fiendish schemes when the negative side of me takes over the ol' mind (And some of them are really excellent I must say). Of course I NEVER act on these plots, but the fact that I think them up is still a little scary to me. If I work in the world of finance I think that menacing, coldblooded, slimy scumbag that lies deep within me could surface, and then my neshama could be truly lost. I could very well let my job consume me. If I was not succeeding I might do whatever it took to get on top, no matter how immoral it might be. And if I was successful I fear I would lose sight of what's really important in life, and start taking things for granted, getting lost in a hedonistic life style.
Money can truly be the source of all evil, and though I hope I am secure in that area, it will not be the focus of my life.
I think I've already mentioned in the past how I let money help get in the way of my happiness. Worrying even obsessing over it, is damaging and actually unnecessary. Obviously we should be CONCERNED about our finances, but not to the extent that we make foolish decisions that cause us to do wrong, stupid, and foolish actions. Though we don't like to believe it our financial success is in the hands of G-d. A person can go to med school, become a successful Dr. and lose it all in one malpractice suit. Businesses can go bankrupt. Natural disasters can destroy stores and investments. And last but not least, the market can crash. The truth is though I'm still uncertain about a lot in my life right now I think I'm finally figuring out what I want to pursue right now for a living. I just hope I have the courage and faith to follow my heart, and ignore the nay-sayers.