Bullet with Butterfly Wings
Am I losing my mind? I sure hope not, but things aren't looking too great. I've been feeling down lately, like I made a big mistake by coming here. I've tried talking to people for some help but no one has been able to give me any sound advice. Even the Rosh Yeshiva wasn't so helpful (though I truly appreciate the time he gave me), saying little more than "pray for clarity" and another personal thing that also wasn't so helpful. Unfortunately I finally lost it the other day...on a rabbi! Now I have to say I've never liked this man, and have always found him to be somewhat rude, haughty and self-righteous, though he is a rabbi here and I should respect him. He said something to me that really irked me, and though I do believe he was patronizing me, it was probably wrong of me to patronize him right back... I couldn't have been more sardonic. He looked like he wanted to knock me out (I must point out that if I had talked this way to one of the rebbeim I look up to, they would have reacted with concerned shock, and maybe even a hug, showcasing humility instead of ego). I later apologized and I guess all is well there except it really isn't overall.
My Yom Kippur davening was... messy. It was emotional at times, empty at others, occasionally frustrating, and my mind didn't seem to be able to stay focused. Though I still did enjoy the davening here more than I would have anywhere else. Thank G-d I have vacation for a couple weeks, hopefully I'll be able to sort things out during the time. But right now I'm feeling religiously stifled. I'm having the same angry thoughts I had when I was 18. Namely that G-d took us from being the Egyptians slaves to being his slaves. I know this sounds sacrilegious, but there's truth in it. In some things we don't have real free will. I could have eaten today but would have gotten Karet. When one is threatened with death, theres not much of a choice. If I brake Shabbos (in all the "right" ways) I once again get death. Eat chometz on Pesach... I believe it's death once more (or something equally unattractive). If I have relations with a stag, it's death for me...and the stag! (OK that one I kind of agree with, but you get the idea). I feel completely in servitude. Say I want to skip davening altogether tomorrow, then I have to worry about G-ds wrath (which must be worse than that of Kahn). Same thing goes for any other forbidden desires I have, everything from touching a girl (there has to be a stature of limitations on negiah!) to wearing wool and linen together- oh what rebel I could be fooling around with my nonexistent girlfriend wrapped in shatnez sheets! I know I shouldn't make jokes about such things, I guess it's my way of venting, though I am once more fearing the Almighty's anger. So why don't I delete this stuff? Well he's also supposed to be very understanding and compassionate, so I'm hoping it's that part of him that understands my anger and frustration.
I 100% believe in him and Judaism, but nevertheless still feel enslaved. Yet, I've just accepted by servitude, and am trying to deal. I wish I could trult feel "IT", but I just don't. There was certainly a part of me that was jealous of all the emphatic guys clapping, banging, and (I promise) jumping as they davened today. The closest I got was slamming down on my shtender in frustration and pain cause I accidentaly squashed my toe during davening; it hurt, I slammed, people thought I was having a super intense spiritual moment: I wasn't. So, basically I'm G-ds slave and I just ain't happy about it. I know that sounds ridiculous but I don't have a better way to go about it all. Truth is, sometimes I wish I could just do the 7 Laws of Noah, and that'll be that, though of course that's not an option for me as I was born into Judaism, and there's really no way out of it (without facing the Wrath). I really am hoping for some good suggestions in comments land. Be aware that I've thought a great deal about this and will most likely fiercely retort any suggestions with the best of my abilities, all the while someone will have a brilliant suggestion I've overlooked that will help deal with the nearly paralyzing issue.
Oh and the blog title is a reference to a VERY famous Smashing Pumpkins sonf. If you don't get it I'm sure Josh Becker will explain it to you.
posted by Hopefool at Thursday, October 13, 2005
7 Comments:
i actually have great advuce i can give you about that 'slave' thing...but i have a big girl problem i have to worry about myself right now...so i will get back to you later, but here's this for now:
The longest-lasting copulation, according to University of Arizona biologist John Alcock (interviewed for an August Knight Ridder story), is that of the lowly "stick insect" (of the phasmida family), which goes on for several months at a time, even though, he said, it is "not clear this is welcome to the female." The male attaches himself to the female's back, which allows her to continue with her daily routine during the mating, while also discouraging competitor males. According to other biologists, some ticks spend up to eight hours on what resembles foreplay, and butterflies, snakes and houseflies can also go on for hours. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch-Knight Ridder Newspapers, 8-28-05]
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I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
Yup, I envy people who have this connection with G-d. I, as well, wish I can have that too.
BTW.. your words about the greatness of the Dell DJ may have fell on (my) deaf ears at first. But, when someone asked me for a recommendation on a good MP3 player, I encouraged her to but that.
Wishing you a good year, full of clarity, (don't mean to sound like the rabbis 'pray for clarity'), full of personal advancement, and most of all, happiness!
Despite all your rage you're still just a rat in cage...?
FOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLL,
I think your so eager to get to the last chapter of the story, or in your lingo, last scene of the movie. But we cant just fast forward life. If we knew how it all ends, would life be worth living? (would the movie be worth watching?)
So you're in a slump, a rut, and you dont know how or if you will ever get out. I know you will learn something from your experience in israel, but just because you cant see it now, doesnt meen it wont be clear later.
So your Davening sucked, who cares! Yes G-d does know everything, and the fact that you post on your blog just how disapointed you were with it, has got to count for something.
I still am having a hard time not understanding where the 18 year olds who are in the yeshiva fall into the picture. I know so many of those guys, they all have so much potential, such sparks within them, all they need is a little guidance, a good role model. Yoni, you have that same spark within you and you are just the one to bring it out of them. You think you don't matter to them, and that may be the case. but it shouldnt be that way. Make the effort not to just know each of their names but to really know each of them.
Without making judgements - You can be such a great role model and be the one who inspires those little punks to actually become G-d feering jews. Who knows, maybe by helping out the shana alef guys you may also be helping yourself out.
Something important to remember is that you have the TIME. I know you fear getting older and never getting things right (trust me everyone does), but you cant focus on the future like that. concentrate on what you do have. Friends, Family, and a few more months where all you have to worry about each morning is what button down shirt you are going to wear.
You cant undo the past, but im not seeing it as such a bad thing. Yah, the past year has come and gone. I dont think you realize that by failing, you are setting yourself up for that much more of a sweeter future. To know such pain, will make future joy that much greater.
I have spoken with a couple of the "west-erners" about these ideas before i decided to post them. The fact that your friends back here are concerned by what you sometimes write in the blogs has got to tell you something as well. We care about you and want only the best for you. So take the time that you have there and make it work. Stay strong and stay positive. Thats all i got.
Josh that was bloody brilliant.
DOOOVVVIIIIIIII- Thanks buddy, your post really touched me- near tears almost. I will be trying to make more of an effort with the teens, though sometimes I feel like a total fake. It's not specifically that I'm not practicing what I preach, it's that i don't WANT to practice what I preach, which in some ways is even worse.
You're 100% right about the time thing, and G-d willing my next post will be purely positive.
Thanks so much again, I miss you, you're the Schwaaaaaa~~~~, and I usually wear polo shirts.
3:01 AM
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