ONE BIG DATING RANT

If you would have told me three years ago, that in the fall of 2005 I would be entering the world of shiduch dating in Israel I would probably think you mad and ask how Doc and Marty are doing. But here I am in "The Land" searching for a potential mate (my views on bashert are a whole other blog) , and it's time I expressed some of my views on the social phenomenon known as ....shiduch dating! This is a somewhat embarrassing, always awkward procedure in which two people decide that they want to get married, and leave it up to their friends and shadchans to "make the match, find a catch". I've basically set aside the notion of a spontaneous, Journey's "Dont Stop Believin", type of romantic encounter. Truth be told I don't know of any married couples who met "On a midnight train going anywhere" (and even when that happens things don't always work out till years later ala "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset"-check em out). It's a nice idea, and I will still hope something like that will happen, but I have, however, seen how happy and in love a couple of my rebbeim are, and they met their wives through the good ol' shiduch-vine, so I don't think it's such a big deal to forgo a great story of how we met, if it means a potential lifetime of happiness ("He was the Head Counselor of the boys camp, I was the Head Counselor of the girls camp"-For 5 points, what movie?).


Before I start the real rant I must point out that I did go on about 3-5 dates last year, but can only remember 1 clearly as they all were 1 and outs (the one I clearly remember is simply because it was just awful: walking in the rain through Time Square in December is neither fun nor, romantic, nor adventurous!Wait I just remembered another date: I went out with a girl who never heard of "Forrest Gump"!!!) I can barely remember what any of those girls looked like. But to be honest it was more me than them as to why I have yet to go on a second date with anyone. Truth is I probably wasn't ready at that point, and needed more time. But here I am now, ready to give my time, spend my money, laugh at jokes that aren't funny, and give off somewhat false impressions as to make myself look better than the putse I truly am. And now to solidify the preceding putse comment I shall mention certain preferences I have in terms of getting set up:
-I'll begin on a positive note. For all of you looking to set up your friends, the best move is to have them both over for a meal, or similar social situation. This way one can really get a sense of what the other person looks like and a brief view of their personality. If we're not interested we simply don't have to make any sort of effort, and best of all things don't have to be awkward at the end of the night (or maybe the best part is we don't have to spend any $- you decide). One can simply rely on the superficial b.s. reason of the night: that we're all just hanging out.
-Now for the harsher stuff. Just because you have two friends that are single doesn't mean you have to automatically set them up. The "hey you never know, opposites attract" idea is a nice one, but it only goes so far. At the core, most people have a pretty good idea of what they want. Putting a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan together really isn't the biggest deal (assuming that both parties are mature and don't let such things get in the wa of what's reall imporant. If a guy says "Well shes gorgeous, funny, and will definetly make be a better person, but shes a Sox fan, I just can't see ger again", he seriously needs therapy). But setting up a guy who's into pop culture, and probably won't make aliyah, with a girl who wants to ban all American culture from her house, and is definitely living in Israel doesn't make much sense even if they both love the Moshav Band and hate condiments. This sort of leads into the following:
-The Pity Setup. For those of you who don't know what this is, it means that you have a friend whose friend is really miserable for some reason, and you taking her out would really lift her spirits...or something along this line. I know this might sound really arrogant but it just boils down to you taking someone out you would never be interested in as a favor to a friend since he/she feels going out on a date, even one, with a person like you would help their friend. To be honest I think I've been on both sides of this (yes, I was the pitied-when the Mets got eliminated I took it really bad). Dating should not be a mitzvah, it should lead to a mitzvah, but in and of itself should not be a chessed project.
-Wouldn't it be great at the end of the date to simply tell one another what you thought of each other. I mean the whole "I had a great time, thanks, I'll be in touch" thing (and all its monotonous forms) is so tedious and frustrating. Just total crap really. Wouldn't it be nice if at the end of the date the girl could say,"Well you're wearing wayyyy too much cologne, are too into sports, I did see you pick your nose when you thought I wasn't looking, and I'm sorry, but John Meyer sucks. But what the hell, I think you're cute, kinda funny and seem sweet, so I'll see you again." Or she could just say "I know you farted in the bowling ally, you seem totally into yourself, kept staring at my chest, and I just don't find you attractive, so good luck with everything." And the guy could either say "Well you seem a bit too into shopping, think Pink Floyd is a type of flower, have a weird speach impediment, but you smell great, have solid manors and are pretty hot so I think it'd be cool to go out again" or the guy could say "It's not so much your weight and interest in money, which both bother me, but I'm not coming back to Staten Island again. It's just not worth it. Have a good one." If you both agree one way or the other, great! If not at least you have some honest constructive criticism, so you can work on yourself for next time. You'll know not to have beans for lunch, have a pack of tissues on you, talk more about the Met and less about the Mets, and always keep your eyes above the neck on the first date (better make it the first three dates. After that some girls like a subtle check-out glass, they went through all that work to look good for you and want you to notice)...or below the ankle in order to complement her on her shoes... which she probably spend around 53 minutes picking out before you came to pick her up (especially if she was a Color War General in Hillel). Also girls seem to be into this Michael Bubble guy, having him on in the car instead of "fitty" is probably a good idea) . Let's just speak the truth when the nights over, shall we people?
-There should be a 30 minute limit to the first date, after which each of the designated parties have the option to leave. Maybe an alarm can go off and then one of yo ucould say "Ohhhh I'm sorry it seems like are time is up for the night. Too bad. But truth be told I don't think I'd like to see you again. I find you a bit shallow and don't feel any connection. OK take then, bye bye now".
If you've dated, it's likely that within the first 3.6 seconds you knew there wasn't going to be date #2 (that's about the amount of time a guy needs to check out a girl- for girls it's a whopping 8.7 seconds- but lets face it: we're all a little shallow.) This process will allow us to simply get the hell out of there before anybody gets seriously hurt. And don't be ashed to admit you're not attarcted to a person. That's a major issue. It'll be quite difficult to have kids if you're not into the persons looks. But that's why G-d made us into so many different shapes, colors and sizes. I
-If you're setting someone up try to be aware of their types. Not everyone has a specific one. So if youre like me you generally won't be intrested in tall red-heads, when you've always had a thing for short, sfardi looking girls (no my mother isn't sfardi). Of course we all must also make concessions. I'd prefer a girl to be around 5'2, but I', willing to go up to 5"6. For me height is an issue. I was involved this past year with 2 girls who were 5'8. It just didn't work for me. I just can't find tall girls cute; they can be pretty, but can't pull off cute in my book, and I'm into the cuteness factor. But just remeber guys: girls can die there hair, change their cloths, wear different perfumes, and have contact/glasses interchange- I'm actually a big fan of this. So while its preferable to stay within the type, be willing to make acception in some areas, but certainly not in all.

As of yet I have turned down the "offers" people have made me. Geez, when you put it like that it sounds like I'm turning down the specials at a restaurant. "Offers" are people....just people I don't want to date for some reason or another. I'm sure someone of interest will come along, and odds are she'll be just as picky as I am, and I'll get turned down, such is poetic justice. But I've been in love once, thought I was another time, and G-d help me (please!) I'll be in love again! And you know what? I'll even lower my standards: from here on in I will knowingly, and happily date Yankee fans.