The Comeback Kid?
Things here haven't been so great. I find myself plagued my memories, and just plain angry a great deal of the time. I'm frustrated religiously, empty and needy to boot. I greatly dislike davening these days, and feel the most anger when at tfillah times. As soon as I put on my tfillin I feel like a vampire wearing a ring of garlic. I've only had 1 talk with one of the rebbeim since I've been here, and though it was a fun shmooze, it was ultimately fruitless. I also feel like a bit of a loser to be frank. Last time I did this job, I was VERY popular and a lot of guys would come to me for advice because they saw me, and how I had so much in my life, and I suppose it inspired them. Now I feel like they look at me and can see how confused and lost I am. I guess the only inspirational aspect of my return here is that I had the courage to do it. I lost or gave up everything in my life back home (basically), to do this, and I hope that at least that doesn't prove to be a foolish move.
I'm fully aware that all this negativity is not healthy or conducive... and something else occurred to be early today. I had just played one of the greatest tennis matches of my life. It was 90 degree mid-day heat , with no shade on the court, and my opponent is easily one of the 4 best players in yeshiva (out of 160 guys, that says a lot). He was beating me 5-1, and rather than just keel over I decided I was just going to give it all I had. He had double- match point, but I prevailed, and took it to 5-2. Then fatigue set in on him. We had some long valleys, and intense plays, but in the end I managed to get my serve in (my first serve takes a lot out of me, but I did not let up), and stormed back for a 7-5 victory. My opponent was not happy, but I knew that in no way was it my skill that beat him. It was my determination. And then I thought "If I can fight back to victory here, despite being inches away from defeat in a meaningless tennis match, why can't I do it with my life?" So I guess I'll keep on trucking. I'll keep doing the things that anger and frustrate me in hopes that they will help me grow, and that in time my rage will subside.
I like to think that things can get a lot better for me, and know that what I really need is a lot more patience, and a general relaxed attitude, which is something that has never come easy to me. I'm not exactly sure how to go about this. I'm not really sure how to control my thoughts, and shut out my regrets of the past, and fears of the future. I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry. I generally try to end on a positive note, being a hopeful fool and all. So all I'll say is this: In 6 months from now, no matter what happens, I will blee neder be happier in my life than I've been in the last 14 months. How? I don't know, I'm just being optimistic.
posted by Hopefool at Sunday, September 25, 2005
5 Comments:
never give up brother, keep on trying one day everything will fall into place
ישועה קרובה לבא
love life, you only get one shot at it. the more time spent being upset, the less time you have left for all of the happiness that should be in its place. the past is exactly that, the past. use it, dont live it. everyday is a new day, a new chance to be everything you always wanted to be. so just be.
no...no...dont listen to all those coons...they got it all wrong...no more intimidating optimitism...I wont tell you loudly to be happy, I wont tell you to smile and look ahead, I wont tell you to force yourself to feel meaningful or successful, but there is something I will tell you:
Sometimes (ppl dont realize) IT IS OKAY to feel empty. IT IS OKAY to feel that no matter how hard you work, nothing really seems to come from it in the end. And you know what? the situation may not get too much better. SO What exactly am I saying? Yoni, let all your misery out. Yes, that's right: Be sad. Close your eyes and let the wieght of anxiety fall right through the center of your head and land in your heart, just sitting there. Lie down. Listen to thirty-three, and by starlight. Look at pictures of your friends, your family, and think about your past. Pretend you are alone, with no other yeshiva guys, and read about the upcoming holidays. Work on your self. Take a wlk through the old city, alone, at night. And all the while, be sad. (please keep reading...) Blindly keep plowing forward, and work on your self..daven through rosh hashana...sleep and read about what the holidays mean to you...fast and daven hard on yom kippur...and slowly that wieght will begin to lift, and the anxiety on your heart will begin to dilute. You will pick your head up out of the yomim tovim and you will say "hey i think i may have found a niche, a place to be, i think i even may know why the hell I came here in the first place...and suddenly, everything will be okay.
You know, when someone goes to Israel, ppl ask them "so, why are you going? what do you want to accomplish?" Well, let me tell you, ppl dont understand that sometimes in life, it is okay not to know exactly WHY you are doing something, but you just know it is right. OFTEN IT IS ONLY AFTER YOU DO SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW WHY YOU DID IT. When i went to israel, sure i had my dumb- cop-out answers: "I want to want to learn..." balogna! I had no idea! But then, at the end, I FInally knew why I came.
Yoni, you've only been there a month. Did you really think the answers would come that easy? Did you really think you would get there, everyone would love and respect the bone, and you would know exactly why you came? Did you think God was gonna go THAT easy on the BOne? Dude, let me tell you, He knows you better than that. You hang in there, buddy.
Thanks Josh. That's probably the best advice I've gotten since I've been here (maybe I should have just gone to Atlanta )...or at least its cheered me up more than anything anyones else has said. Youre speaking to me in a language I can hear. I've journeyed here and there and back again
But in the same old haunts I still find my friends. Thanks buddy.
Great blog you got goin over here. It's always fun to be optimistic. Sometimes rememberign things in the past that you regret is good. I'ts a little nag.. to remind you of where you were, but also to remind to keep moving foward. G'luck dude.. best of luck.
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