The Search for Spiritual Sanity

I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm everything I was when I was 16, but I'm 24, and that makes it all the more dangerous. I start with this, because it's possible that what I may write below is because of these overpowering negative emotions, and I may look back at this entry one day and disagree with it entirely.This past week was rough. Brutal was more like it. For the past few years I've been turning to religion and spirituality to help get me through the tough times, to guide me, to give me hope. But now I think I've had enough, or at least need a good break. But of course we don't get a break. It doesn't work like that.Man, how I wish we could though. I'm not sure turning to religion is always the answer. It may even be part of the problem. Obviously I'm having major theological issues, and I think I'm going to use the blog to simply vent.I'll start out small. It greatly irritates me when I'm learning Torah and there's more than one opinion on how a certain event took place. The debate about how old Rivka was when she married Yitzchak, or who exactly was the 70th person to go down to Egypt, or if Pharaoh really didn't remember Yosef. There's a lot of examples. But it seems to me things could only have done one way. And this bothers me. There shouldn't be such uncertainty and discrepancy. But there's nothing I can do, so why think about it? Just push it out of my mind....That way I can focus on these more tantalizing issues.

I don't think I can pray for a while. It's just become monotonous, repetitive, and I feel almost mocked by G-d sometimes. I mean, how many times can you ask for something before you just give up? Or worse, what if you get the opposite of what you wished for? Yes, this may prove to be the best thing in the long run, but how patient are we supposed to be? And is it fair to not be disappointed after over a year of prayer with little or no results?
I have similar issues with the idea of Slichos come Elul. I'm supposed to say slichos, for a week before Rosh Hashanah, then for another week, and then again on Yom Kippur?! That's just too much apologizing if you ask me. If I did something to upset my friend, and I admit that I was wrong and plead for forgiveness, generally I'd be forgiven. And if it was something real bad (say forgetting their birthday or saying you'd pick them up somewhere and forgetting to do so) I may have to try a couple of times. But would I have to plead forgiveness 15 times?! That's a tad much no? And isn't G-d supposed to be the All-Merciful? Also-we say "slach lanu" 3x a day, plus tachnun twice.
Now, I happen to be very hard on myself (more on that soon), and try to keep close track of my sins. When I do sin I try to ask for mechila right away with true intent. So the idea of extra, continuous slichos is just too much for me. I decided this year I just wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to keep begging for forgiveness. I didn't deserve that. I picked about 3 days to go do slichos and that was it. This now leads me to the idea of punishment.
Am I going to be punished for not going to slichos? Or not saying mincha or maariv today? I really don't know. I hope not, but I don't know if it really would make a significant difference. If I had to make a list of everyone I know well, the people I'm close with, and rank them in terms of their level of religious practice, I would probably rank pretty high on the list. But if I then ranked those same people in terms of overall happiness, I would rank rather low on the list. So it would seem that despite all that I do religiously, I may be getting punished by G-d nonetheless. I'm strongly considering not doing a second Seder this year (perhaps the most pointless, unfounded practice we observe). But if I do, I may be punished by G-d and this scares me. In fact, I have either been imbued or simply created within myself a harsh punishment-reward system to everything I do. I hate this. It gives me (possibly) false feelings of entitlement, and makes me afraid when I say Loshon Hara or do some other sin. I don't think I'm punished if I forget to say a bracha when I eat, or don't daven with a minyan, or don't daven at all. But then again I can't be sure, and sometimes I only do a certain mitzvah just to be on the safe side. I hate this too. It feels like the wrong reasoning for my actions. But what's the solution? I may be right. Maybe if I did kiss a girl I wasn't married to I'd be punished in some way. And maybe if I was able to control myself from physical interaction with the same girl G-d would reward me from not giving into 'temptatious sin'.
It would be so nice to be exercised from this mentality, even if it the way the world works. It makes me unhappy, nervous, fearful and disappointed to live my life in this fashion. I just want to be able to relax and grow on my own terms. I know many of the practices of this religion are in order to prevent us from falling, from succombing to sin. But I know myself. I've never done drugs. Rarely drink, never smoke don't mess around with girls, and really try to be good whenever I can. Yet, sometimes I feel like it's not enough. I hate this too. I feel like the only way I'll re rewarded with happiness is if I did everything right. Yet this probably isn't true either. But I try harder at times when things are bad, and sometimes to no avail, and the frustration can be crippling. I can't think of an acceptable answer to free me from my mindset.
A part of me is angry with the Rebbeim in Israel who attempt to modify and alter our views, and ideologies. They can be very convincing, and I'm not saying that I disagree with their teachings. But it may not be for everyone. They preach their creed on a mass level. But there needs to be more sensitivity in regards to the individual. The message can't always be absolute. It won't work for the whole student body, and some boys will be lost or even turned off.
I was never happy spending hours learning. I hated feeling guilty for watching TV or going to a movie. And that is something I've overcome. They try to guide us to spiritual heights, but at the tender, impressionable age of 19. It's all to easy to lose the mentality, to lose the strength that kept one on a sound spiritual plane. And then there's a whole new crop of students these rabbi's have, and the ones from a few years back, who may be even more needy, and even more in danger of totally going off the derech, aren't as significant. These rabbis dont have time for all their current and former talmidim, and so many fall. Some quite hard. Am I one of them? Not really. I always acted independent from the Yeshiva mode. But I do think there are those young men who come to deify certain rebbeim, which is dangerous and will often lead to disappointment. These rabbis just dont have the time some of these young men need. There needs to be a better establishment post-Israel-and not just YU. But I digress from the real point of this blog. My personal issues and idiosyncrasies.
A few months ago I got into the habit of signing my email "Peace and Happiness". I love this. It totally encompasses what I want in my life, and therefore felt like a nice blessing onto others. I truly want peace and happiness in my own life (and I do not feel they are one in the same). But I'm very skeptical that in my present way of thinking I'll even be able to achieve either. This scares me. I feel enslaved by my religion. I want to break free, but I don't I can. I'd probably be punished. Maybe not right away though. It may take a while, and in the back of my head I'd know it was coming. There would be no peace for me. Then the punishment would land, and there may be no happiness. Pretty bleak, huh? Unlikely? Who knows? Possible? Absolutely. So, anyone have a better solution?