Close Encounter of the Uncomfortable Kind

It finally happened. I ran into HER....with another guy....looking really good.....looking really happy.....looking completely past me.....and you know what? Screw it.
I look back at the very first blog I wrote and I really want to go back in time and just kick that guy in the crotch.....hard....with a jackboot.....in the winter. Or maybe that would be the exact opposite as to what that guy needed, which is a pair of beysim. I don't like that Fool at all. I worked so damn hard not to be him, but I think a part of him will always be waiting in the wings- I just need to put a cage around him, and I think I may have done it.
A year ago if I ran into her my stomach would have completely dropped to my knees and I honestly think I might have fainted. But Thank G-d I didn't feel anything like that tonight. I just felt shocked, and a bit saddened, and maybe a little hurt that she walked right by without saying hi (I was writing a text message and only saw her at the last possible second). That stung a bit. But maybe I deserved it. Maybe not. Who knows? And you know what? Who cares. I saw her and I realized that I do miss her, I miss talking and laughing with her. But I also miss talking with my uncle, and sharing a joke with him, and trading music. And he's dead. I can't change that. And though She is alive (BH), the truth is that she's dead too. Until TechIyat Hamaytim G'W.
I know it's a cliche but even when we're through with the past that doesn't mean it's through with us. A million different thoughts and memories filled my head. The pain came flooding back. The relief hovered above me like a friendly cloud on a scorching day. Where five minutes earlier I felt good about my life, after the walk by I felt somewhat alone (although ironically I was with a female friend who is engaged so I wonder is She saw my friends ring and thought we were engaged, lol). I started to hate myself for feeling like that. I also couldn't ignore the fear of never loving again. But I have to cap all that emotional stuff. It can be great and it can be beautiful, but the truth is that it is unbelievably dangerous. The truth is that She didn't nearly destroy me, I did it to myself. I glorified and over-romantisized the reality. Things weren't good, and hadn't been for a few months. It had to end. But that doesn't mean the feelings go away. I know now that maybe they never will. So you just have to suck it up and deal. Move on, and don't become a pathetic loser (not that I ever was of course- I was just victoriously challenged.....I think I misused that word, so now I sound like I'm spectacularly retarded...greeatttt).
I'll admit it: I ran back to Israel to get over her. And you know what? It worked. It worked real well. I didn't fall in love with any girls there, but I did fall in love with the land, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I grew. I changed. I improved. And I came back and my beysim were like iron. I didn't need a kick in the crotch, it wouldn't do anything. I will not allow myself to fall gain, to be pathetic, forlorn or in despair. Yes, I still wonder if I'll ever meet someone else I'm capable of having that type of intense relationship with. But things are truly great with me and I cannot forget that. In fact I think that's why G-d but her in my path tonight. I was getting cocky and arrogant about my life. Let's face it: just about everything was going my way (I mean two radio contests in one day?!). I needed a reality check, and HE gave me one. As good as things have been it is so important to remember how awful they were, how close I was to doing many things I'd regret for the rest of my life. I need to say thank you more. I need to stay humble. I need to keep smiling.
This summer is going to be magical (BEH). I'll be with my oldest, and closest friend who I can't believe I get to spend another summer with one more time (we first met in camp when we were 9 :) I'll be with three other awesome friends. I'll be in Spain. I'll be in France and Italy. I'll be in The Holy Land. And I get paid to do what I love. I'm a pretty lucky guy.
Next year can be magnificent. I'm going to be writing fiction again. The band will take off. And I'll be smiling. There is no choice. I promised myself that I would never fall like that again. I won't. I will be smiling.


Oh and Howie Day was awesome!! I was right in front of the stage! (And yes I know its insanely ironic that if I hadn't won those tickets I never would have run into her.)