Happiness....In Loving Memory.....

It's been a while. Things have been up and down, and today, unfortunately, they are very down. I was seeing someone for the last few weeks, and it was very, very intense. She was beautiful, witty, modest and completely intriguing. I was scared, but I was happy. We shared a great deal with each other. I put myself out there, and so did she. It seemed real. I could write more about it, but it's probably futile to do so since it's now over. She ended it.... of course. I suspected she would from the get go- though I tend to always expect the worst in any positive situation, that way when the worst does indeed occur im better prepared. The sad thing is that this actually works. I'm down right now, but I'd be a lot worse if I wasn't better prepared for this. I'm also feeling a great deal of guilt and confusion.
My uncle was murdered five years ago today. He was 35, single, no kids, the smartest man I've ever known and I miss him like crazy. Today should be about him, his memory. Yet, I'm so depressed about this breakup and my mind and emotions are torn. I've never been to Ground Zero. But now I work downtown and today I'm going to go and say tehillim. It's so ironic that if my uncle were alive he and I would be getting lunch today-his treat- and he'd help cheer me up. I've spent a lot of time wishing he didn't go to work that day, wishing I'd had the one talk with him I never had the courage to even attempt, wishing I didn't go see REM alone, wishing he didn't die. But I think I need to be realistically harsh and say "whats the point?" I can't change anything about the past. No one can. What's done is done. I'll continue the cliche's by saying that all I can do is change my future. The truth is that part of me really thinks I can make this relationship work, though another part of me knows for sure that it's done. It seemed so right a week ago, and now it seems so foreign, so lost. Maybe I can find it. There's an excellent chance I won't succeed. But I've come to realize something about myself. Everyone says that in order to be happy in a relationship you have to be happy with yourself. I think that's true but not absolute. I've only been truly happy in relationships. I've been more motivated and successful with someone else in my life than when I'm alone. For me I think the best I can hope for is being "ok" with myself. Same ol', same ol'. I know that I can't be truly happy alone, which is a very harrowing and frustrating realization. But I like to think that it's the same for a lot of people, and they either don't admit it or don't realize it about themselves. So we're back to "square one"- I hate this place. I don't want to stay here long. I want out. But it's really not up to me. Life works in waves. You have your ups and your downs, and things just flow. So I'll just have to rely on my ever growing attribute of patience and put my faith in the only One.
I'd just like to end off by speaking about my uncle. He had a hard life, and was lost for many years. But in his last few years he got it all together and was a huge success. We were all so proud of him, but no one was surprised. He was a true genius. No one ever doubted that. He would do quantum physic equations for fun, just to challenge himself. But by no means was he a complete dork. He knew his rock n roll and had a excellent music collection. I credit him for much of my taste and interest in music, and I would never have become the Simpsons freak I am had I not been trying to impress him. I hope to attain the wonderful midot he had. His bayn adam lichaveiro was remarkable. He was naturally kind, soft spoken, generous and humble. The entire world is at a loss not having him here- who knows what wonderful inventions he could have created to better mankind?
We are all going to lose many of the people we love. It's a horrible truth of life. But it's truly tragic when we lose them so young, and even more awful when they are taken from us by acts of hatred and violence. I miss you dude. I could use your advise right now, but I hope I make you proud.