Something Good

I said I had planned on posting two major blogs, and I'm very happy to say that this is the first.

My friends "Jake" and "Alison" got engaged this past Thursday night. They met five months ago. I set them up. I'm overflowing with emotions.
At first I was incredibly happy and excited for my friends, and even though I'm not especially happy in my life these days there was so much joy-pure and wholesome- emanating from them that I kind of absorbed a little bit of it myself, if only for one night. Yet the most prevalent emotion going through my head was the sense of accomplishment. I felt like I finally did something important in my life, something good. I thought to myself "If I died today would my life have really meant anything? Would I have really done anything? Really made any sort of difference?" Then I said "Yes, I set up Jake and Alison." Two people are truly happy right now, and I like thinking that I helped make that happen. But I really cant give myself too much credit. It's very possible the two of them would have met on their own, and it's not like I went on any of the dates or gave helpful hints like "She likes an upper neck massage" or "Don't say you like Nickelback" or "Try to keep the flatulence to a minimum". All I did was go through the names on my phone, think that Jake might actually be right for Alison, make a call and the rest is all them. But at the very least I did recognize before anyone else did that these two people could really work. So for that I have a sense of success, but that makes me depressed.....It's a little sad that this ranks so high on my list of accomplishments. But it's the only thing I felt I'd be remembered for in 20 years if I died today. I guess I just have to try harder to make my dreams come true. Not that theres anything wrong with being remembered for the set-up, it's just I hope I can do more.
Another emotion I felt was envy. But it was not the atypical "I wish it was me getting engaged", I honestly didn't think that once, and still haven't felt it. I was actually kind of (pleasantly)surprised by that actually. My envy was similar to this though, but focused on the fact that I started dating someone the same time Jake and Alison began their courtship. I had a very irritating dream in which I was given the following choice: only one of us would end up making it as a couple, but I had to choose which. I hated this dream and how it plagued me. It shouldn't have, but it did. I don't know who I would have picked if faced with a real life choice. I wanted to be an altruist, but altruism shouldn't have to incorporate self-sacrifice. I did set that couple up, and they are good friends of mine so I wanted them to be happy, but I also wanted to be with this girl. Then I thought, "Well they're both really awesome, attractive, funny people who date a lot...I'm sure they'll find other people....I on the other hand...." But then I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was being. After I broke up with the girl 4 weeks later I felt oddly relieved, as if I somehow made the noble choice, but I think I just thought this to help myself feel better. I never actually made that choice. Now I guess my envy lies in the fact that they're relationship worked out whereas mine didn't (which IS different than me being envious of their engagement). I am somewhat ashamed by this, and maybe shouldn't admit it in such a fashion, but I feel it's important to be truthful here in order to gain a better perspective on myself when reading this blog in the future.
I've also come to realize that there's a good chance I won't be able to attend their wedding. They've scheduled it when I fill be in California for work. It will incredibly difficult and expensive for me to fly there and back to see their nuptials. I really want to be there, but I really don't know if it's worth my boss being irritated/disappointed with me, the staff beneath me being resentful for taking more time off than technically allowed, to miss a key part of my job where I'm needed more than other days, and expenses heading somewhere north of $1000. Or maybe all that stuff IS worth it in the end? Blee Eyen Hora they'll only be getting married once. I really don't know what to do. No matter how I look at it, this is a lose-lose situation. It's bitterly ironic that even in something so wonderful as this, a match that I helped make happen, there is this underbelly of frustration and unhappiness. I know that I will be so pissed if I miss their wedding, but also know that I will not fully enjoy it because of all the reasons I mentioned above. Oh well, I guess I can worry more about this as the day approaches.
Right now I want to go celebrate with my friends. I want to do my best to stay humble when people say to me "So I hear this is your doing?" I won't lie that it's great hearing that, and yet I feel oddly uncomfortable. I get a bit embarrassed, a bit it envious, and a bit defensive even. I want to say that it was all the hand of G-d, that I really didn't do anything. But people might think I was weird. (Which I most certainly am of course). I also don't want to bring G-d into it because then I get filled with a (false?) sense of entitlement. I want to yell out "C'mon G-d!! Look what I did! I helped bring them together! And You just keep taking the girls I really like away from me and make me hurt girls I'm not interested in! It's not fair dammmit! You owe me for this! I shouldn't be alone anymore!" That's pretty horrible, huh? I'm ashamed to write it, but I can't deny that I feel it, so in the blog it goes. So much for altruism (I do think that if I did have someone, then I could be completely altruistic in these matters-I really do.)
Well I have to get going to their engagement party. I'm going to smile, drink, be humble when people "praise" me and have a great time. I love them both, and despite my whacked out ideosycracies and slight dementia, at the end I'm just happy for them, proud that I helped and going to let the negative subside and bask in the happiness of Jake and Alison.