Don't Fear The Future

The Hopeful Fool. That's what I call myself. It seems kind of silly sometimes. Yet, it does echo a sort of truth about who I am. Or at least how I perceive myself.
I'm in Boston now staying at a friends place. I love this city. It's full of history and attitude. Every time I come here it seems colder than the last. I hate the cold, detest it, but despite the freeze that always accompanies my trips here, I always feel slightly inspired and somewhat at peace. It rekindles my hope. Which I probably need more than ever. I'm spending a dangerous amount of time lately "living" in the past. I go over many key moments in my life-from age 9 and onward-and imagine things going differently; what I now believe to be the right or better choice. And things always turn out better in my head, of course. Groundhog Day is one of my two favorite movies of all time, and its about a guy who keeps reliving the same day over and over until he gets it right. I love that concept. Heck I even love the concept of Mr. Destiny, and that's a frickin Jim Belushi movie (an angel shows him how his life would have been if one key event went differently....and of course he sees that things were better as they were and he should just be happy with what he has). I'm completely fixated on scenarios like this. Going back and preventing myself from doing many of the foolish, stupid things I've done. It's a nice idea, but unfortunately there are certain mistakes I've made that I suffered from more than I grew from. Here's some hyperbole to prove my point: a man might have a desperate crack addiction, so much so that he kills another man one night for crack. He goes to jail the rest of his life. In jail he gets off the drugs and actually matures and sees the real way to live his life, but it's too late: he's in jail. Now this IS hyperbole, but it's still true. I think about death, and the after life. I hope, even pray, that when one dies he gets to look at his entire life on DVD and actually enter any moment and live it over, acting with the knowledge of how things worked out the first time. Like, maybe if I knew writing in wet cement was a form of vandalism when I was 11 my father wouldn't have gone berserk on me. Maybe I would have had the courage to kiss that girl when I was 14 and my teen years wouldn't have so depressing. Maybe I could have sucked it up and not been such a damn trouble-maker in Israel when I was 18...or least been a more respectful one. I can't stop thinking about these scenarios and others. I space out at times. I've become a true daydreamer....and it has to stop. I know it. It's unhealthy, and I don't think anything good can come from it. It's important to get away sometimes. Having time to myself in Boston has helped me realize that some changes need to be made, that I essentially need a rebirth. But it's hard. Cause that would mean I would have to focus on reality, on the present, and the prospect of the future. And I'll tell you this: I imagine what my life will be like in 10 years and I'm absolutely terrified. This is an awful thing: Fearing the future. This is why I'm dwelling in the past. But change HAS to come. If it doesn't, I'm doomed. This isn't hyperbole. I'm going to slip further and further into my daydreams, into the past, and I think I might slowly lose a slight grip on reality. That may SOUND crazy, but it FEELS true. I think that I'm going to have two major posts coming up soon...at least I hope I do. Until then I'll do what I can to listen to Guster and "Don't fear the future"; to focus on the now....but when I die, man would I love the chance to do it all over, to do it right-or at least see if I was right in thinking it was right. What's wrong with that?