The Comeback Kid?

Things here haven't been so great. I find myself plagued my memories, and just plain angry a great deal of the time. I'm frustrated religiously, empty and needy to boot. I greatly dislike davening these days, and feel the most anger when at tfillah times. As soon as I put on my tfillin I feel like a vampire wearing a ring of garlic. I've only had 1 talk with one of the rebbeim since I've been here, and though it was a fun shmooze, it was ultimately fruitless. I also feel like a bit of a loser to be frank. Last time I did this job, I was VERY popular and a lot of guys would come to me for advice because they saw me, and how I had so much in my life, and I suppose it inspired them. Now I feel like they look at me and can see how confused and lost I am. I guess the only inspirational aspect of my return here is that I had the courage to do it. I lost or gave up everything in my life back home (basically), to do this, and I hope that at least that doesn't prove to be a foolish move.
I'm fully aware that all this negativity is not healthy or conducive... and something else occurred to be early today. I had just played one of the greatest tennis matches of my life. It was 90 degree mid-day heat , with no shade on the court, and my opponent is easily one of the 4 best players in yeshiva (out of 160 guys, that says a lot). He was beating me 5-1, and rather than just keel over I decided I was just going to give it all I had. He had double- match point, but I prevailed, and took it to 5-2. Then fatigue set in on him. We had some long valleys, and intense plays, but in the end I managed to get my serve in (my first serve takes a lot out of me, but I did not let up), and stormed back for a 7-5 victory. My opponent was not happy, but I knew that in no way was it my skill that beat him. It was my determination. And then I thought "If I can fight back to victory here, despite being inches away from defeat in a meaningless tennis match, why can't I do it with my life?" So I guess I'll keep on trucking. I'll keep doing the things that anger and frustrate me in hopes that they will help me grow, and that in time my rage will subside.
I like to think that things can get a lot better for me, and know that what I really need is a lot more patience, and a general relaxed attitude, which is something that has never come easy to me. I'm not exactly sure how to go about this. I'm not really sure how to control my thoughts, and shut out my regrets of the past, and fears of the future. I'm not really sure how to end this blog entry. I generally try to end on a positive note, being a hopeful fool and all. So all I'll say is this: In 6 months from now, no matter what happens, I will blee neder be happier in my life than I've been in the last 14 months. How? I don't know, I'm just being optimistic.

ONE BIG DATING RANT

If you would have told me three years ago, that in the fall of 2005 I would be entering the world of shiduch dating in Israel I would probably think you mad and ask how Doc and Marty are doing. But here I am in "The Land" searching for a potential mate (my views on bashert are a whole other blog) , and it's time I expressed some of my views on the social phenomenon known as ....shiduch dating! This is a somewhat embarrassing, always awkward procedure in which two people decide that they want to get married, and leave it up to their friends and shadchans to "make the match, find a catch". I've basically set aside the notion of a spontaneous, Journey's "Dont Stop Believin", type of romantic encounter. Truth be told I don't know of any married couples who met "On a midnight train going anywhere" (and even when that happens things don't always work out till years later ala "Before Sunrise" and "Before Sunset"-check em out). It's a nice idea, and I will still hope something like that will happen, but I have, however, seen how happy and in love a couple of my rebbeim are, and they met their wives through the good ol' shiduch-vine, so I don't think it's such a big deal to forgo a great story of how we met, if it means a potential lifetime of happiness ("He was the Head Counselor of the boys camp, I was the Head Counselor of the girls camp"-For 5 points, what movie?).


Before I start the real rant I must point out that I did go on about 3-5 dates last year, but can only remember 1 clearly as they all were 1 and outs (the one I clearly remember is simply because it was just awful: walking in the rain through Time Square in December is neither fun nor, romantic, nor adventurous!Wait I just remembered another date: I went out with a girl who never heard of "Forrest Gump"!!!) I can barely remember what any of those girls looked like. But to be honest it was more me than them as to why I have yet to go on a second date with anyone. Truth is I probably wasn't ready at that point, and needed more time. But here I am now, ready to give my time, spend my money, laugh at jokes that aren't funny, and give off somewhat false impressions as to make myself look better than the putse I truly am. And now to solidify the preceding putse comment I shall mention certain preferences I have in terms of getting set up:
-I'll begin on a positive note. For all of you looking to set up your friends, the best move is to have them both over for a meal, or similar social situation. This way one can really get a sense of what the other person looks like and a brief view of their personality. If we're not interested we simply don't have to make any sort of effort, and best of all things don't have to be awkward at the end of the night (or maybe the best part is we don't have to spend any $- you decide). One can simply rely on the superficial b.s. reason of the night: that we're all just hanging out.
-Now for the harsher stuff. Just because you have two friends that are single doesn't mean you have to automatically set them up. The "hey you never know, opposites attract" idea is a nice one, but it only goes so far. At the core, most people have a pretty good idea of what they want. Putting a Yankee fan and a Red Sox fan together really isn't the biggest deal (assuming that both parties are mature and don't let such things get in the wa of what's reall imporant. If a guy says "Well shes gorgeous, funny, and will definetly make be a better person, but shes a Sox fan, I just can't see ger again", he seriously needs therapy). But setting up a guy who's into pop culture, and probably won't make aliyah, with a girl who wants to ban all American culture from her house, and is definitely living in Israel doesn't make much sense even if they both love the Moshav Band and hate condiments. This sort of leads into the following:
-The Pity Setup. For those of you who don't know what this is, it means that you have a friend whose friend is really miserable for some reason, and you taking her out would really lift her spirits...or something along this line. I know this might sound really arrogant but it just boils down to you taking someone out you would never be interested in as a favor to a friend since he/she feels going out on a date, even one, with a person like you would help their friend. To be honest I think I've been on both sides of this (yes, I was the pitied-when the Mets got eliminated I took it really bad). Dating should not be a mitzvah, it should lead to a mitzvah, but in and of itself should not be a chessed project.
-Wouldn't it be great at the end of the date to simply tell one another what you thought of each other. I mean the whole "I had a great time, thanks, I'll be in touch" thing (and all its monotonous forms) is so tedious and frustrating. Just total crap really. Wouldn't it be nice if at the end of the date the girl could say,"Well you're wearing wayyyy too much cologne, are too into sports, I did see you pick your nose when you thought I wasn't looking, and I'm sorry, but John Meyer sucks. But what the hell, I think you're cute, kinda funny and seem sweet, so I'll see you again." Or she could just say "I know you farted in the bowling ally, you seem totally into yourself, kept staring at my chest, and I just don't find you attractive, so good luck with everything." And the guy could either say "Well you seem a bit too into shopping, think Pink Floyd is a type of flower, have a weird speach impediment, but you smell great, have solid manors and are pretty hot so I think it'd be cool to go out again" or the guy could say "It's not so much your weight and interest in money, which both bother me, but I'm not coming back to Staten Island again. It's just not worth it. Have a good one." If you both agree one way or the other, great! If not at least you have some honest constructive criticism, so you can work on yourself for next time. You'll know not to have beans for lunch, have a pack of tissues on you, talk more about the Met and less about the Mets, and always keep your eyes above the neck on the first date (better make it the first three dates. After that some girls like a subtle check-out glass, they went through all that work to look good for you and want you to notice)...or below the ankle in order to complement her on her shoes... which she probably spend around 53 minutes picking out before you came to pick her up (especially if she was a Color War General in Hillel). Also girls seem to be into this Michael Bubble guy, having him on in the car instead of "fitty" is probably a good idea) . Let's just speak the truth when the nights over, shall we people?
-There should be a 30 minute limit to the first date, after which each of the designated parties have the option to leave. Maybe an alarm can go off and then one of yo ucould say "Ohhhh I'm sorry it seems like are time is up for the night. Too bad. But truth be told I don't think I'd like to see you again. I find you a bit shallow and don't feel any connection. OK take then, bye bye now".
If you've dated, it's likely that within the first 3.6 seconds you knew there wasn't going to be date #2 (that's about the amount of time a guy needs to check out a girl- for girls it's a whopping 8.7 seconds- but lets face it: we're all a little shallow.) This process will allow us to simply get the hell out of there before anybody gets seriously hurt. And don't be ashed to admit you're not attarcted to a person. That's a major issue. It'll be quite difficult to have kids if you're not into the persons looks. But that's why G-d made us into so many different shapes, colors and sizes. I
-If you're setting someone up try to be aware of their types. Not everyone has a specific one. So if youre like me you generally won't be intrested in tall red-heads, when you've always had a thing for short, sfardi looking girls (no my mother isn't sfardi). Of course we all must also make concessions. I'd prefer a girl to be around 5'2, but I', willing to go up to 5"6. For me height is an issue. I was involved this past year with 2 girls who were 5'8. It just didn't work for me. I just can't find tall girls cute; they can be pretty, but can't pull off cute in my book, and I'm into the cuteness factor. But just remeber guys: girls can die there hair, change their cloths, wear different perfumes, and have contact/glasses interchange- I'm actually a big fan of this. So while its preferable to stay within the type, be willing to make acception in some areas, but certainly not in all.

As of yet I have turned down the "offers" people have made me. Geez, when you put it like that it sounds like I'm turning down the specials at a restaurant. "Offers" are people....just people I don't want to date for some reason or another. I'm sure someone of interest will come along, and odds are she'll be just as picky as I am, and I'll get turned down, such is poetic justice. But I've been in love once, thought I was another time, and G-d help me (please!) I'll be in love again! And you know what? I'll even lower my standards: from here on in I will knowingly, and happily date Yankee fans.

Holy, Holy Women!

I am going to get to that dating blog very soon (most likely within the next 24 hours), but I just want to say 2 very quick but highly interesting dvar Torahs I heard today on two of the greatest women in Jewish History (I said this blog would have more Torah, plus this ensures that I wont forget all the really great lamdus I come across during my time here).

The Following Awesome Piece of Torah is brought to you by Mesechet Brachot 32:b- As you may or may not know Chana (mother of the Holy Shmuel), was barron. Her husband, Elkana, had a neither wife: Pnina. Pnina had many kids, and often paraded them to Chana (different opinions as to whether or not this was to make her jealous or inspire her to daven more). Anyways, Chana was an incredibly righteous woman, and did all she could to try and get pregnant. She davened passionately, did chessed, tshuva, anything she could, but of course nothing worked. So one day during her intense tfillah she finally said "Hashem please give me a child or else...." Now there are 2 different opinions on this but I'll say the one I like, causes it's really really cool. What did Chana mean by "or else"? Chana's brilliant plan was simply this: She was going to find some dude, get him to be alone with her, make sure Elakana saw this, have him accuse her falsely of course (Chana was one of the 7 women who had Nevuah- obviously she would never commit such a heinous crime as adultery), be taken to the Kohen Gadol, be forced to drink the Sotah potion, and since she was innocent of touching this man she would become pregnant! That's the smartest "Soap Operaish" plan I've ever heard (lord knows Sammy on Days of Lives couldn't come up with something that could....oy, why do I know who that is?....OK one big lahavdil on this whole sidepoint). Though there is another view that an innocent Sotah wouldn't get pregnant by the drink but that she would have a very easy labor next time around, and that the child would be improved (e.g. if her other kids were short , this one would be tall etc...). Although my question on this is kind of simple: lets say she simply didn't have children at that point? Then through the Torah laws she mustget pregnant, and thus one could give credit to the potion, and thus I agree with (like most) to the popular theory. Fortunately Chana did in fact get pregnant and didn't have to resort to this somewhat devious, but ingenious plan (maybe because Hashem didn't want barron women to keep doing this? That could be really really bad.)


And now VERY QUICKLY for Holy Woman #2 (although she lived a few generations before Chana): Rachav was the most famous prostitute/showgirl/lude woman (Something untznius, and most likely the former of the bunch) woman of her era. Yet after meeting Kalev and Pinchas and helping them (when they were spying out Yericho) she converted to Judaism (though some say this process started back in Egypt as that was her hative land and she witnessed all the miracles). She then went on to marry Yehoshua!! Talk about your inspirational turn arounds? This just goes to show that a person can be totally drowning in a life of immorality and do tshuva, turn around and become truly great. Rachav married the most eligible, sought after man of her era (which made all the Jewish mothers jealous, as Yehoshua was "a real catch"and "such a mentsch"), which goes to show how holy she must been. The Rabbis who told me this then went on to compare Rachav to women like Madonna. Madonna is probably the Rachav of our time in that she is world famous (As Rachav was), was sexually immoral, and had men everywhere trying to "be" with her. Though we laugh at it, he said that maybe her whole Kabbalah thing might actually, eventually lead to a Rachav like existence, and that we should try to look at her more positively than negatively, as the positive is always healthier for the soul. I for one agreed with this, and clearly like it, otherwise I wouldn't have blogged about it.

CIDA'S WAR

Earlier today I was talking to my buddy CIDA!!!! (a.k.a. Mister Lyde, a.k.a The Fades, and once known as Bernard- check out his awesome blog www.thefades.blogspot.com) and he gave me a message to tell one of the rebbeim here. The message was simply "Eem takum alai milchama, bizot ani botayach". I replied in the "huh?"He didn't really explain it to me, and so I went ahead to this Rav and told him what CIDA!!!! (obviously not his real name) said. The Rav was a bit taken back, if not shocked, but had a huge smile and wanted verification that he actually said it. I jokingly told him why would I just randomly come up to him and say that of all quotes? I then wanted to know what it meant. I tried to translate the words but it just sounded really weird when I did. So then he told me that it was a quote from Ledavid Ori (that prayer than now makes shacharit and maariv 90 seconds longer). He invited me to pull up a chair and told me the following Dvar Torah from the Yismach Yisroel:
So like I said it says, "Eem Takum alai milchama, bizot ani botayach" which means "If a war comes upon me, in this I will trust", and to this my Rav said what we are now all thinking, "What the hell does that mean?" So I'll tell you what it means. It means that the yeser hora will try to get you to do wrong. He's going to fight with you. He's going to cause an internal war inside you....if you're lucky that is. IF YOU'RE LUCKY?! What?!
What this is actually saying is that no one is 100% perfect, we all have flaws. But sometimes our flaws completely consume us, and so the Yetzer Hara doesn't even bother with us anymore, he's totally won, no need to start any wars. A king doesn't attack a land he's already conquered. But if the Yetzer Hara is still firing at you that means you're worth something, you still have value, and he's going to try to do all he can to take you over. Some have more worth than others to the Yetzer Hara, but as no one is 100% perfect, we all have some value to him. But we have to realize that as valuable as we are to him, we have even more worth we are capable of. If that war comes upon us, however, we have to trust. We have to believe in ourselves, in our own worthiness, and in Hashem. We actually have to appreciate the fact that there's a war. It means we're worth it, and that we just have to fight back, and thus grow. Will we ever be free of these battles? Who knows? Hopefully we'll have to fight less and less as time goes by and we grow.
My Rav then explained that I, like my friend, struggle a lot with the external secular world, and that we are high on the Yetzer Hara's hit list, but that we should be proud of that, and though we have been very succesful in the past we should also fight him harder now that we know it. We have to trust.
I was very glad my friend made me the messenger of this awesome, inspiring piece of Torah. In fact it was the only thing I've learned since I've been here that chipped away at the apathetic attitude I've had since I've been here...heck, it chunked away.

Things here are still OK, but hopefully I'll have more strengthening bits like that to inspire me. There will be some interesting dating topics coming up next week so stay tuned, but for now I'd just like to wish you all a great and holy shabbos!!

So Far, So....OK

Sorry it took so long to put up my first post, but theres been some internet problems over here. It's been 5 days so far and I've certainly had my ups and downs. The first day was hardest emotionally. I was exhausted and hungry(which never go well together) and when I got here was faced with the difficult choice of taking my old room back or a new one with the younger guys. This was a difficult decision because my old room had a lot of memories. I decided on the old room, but I took a different bed, just as I took a different makom in the beis- basically the theme was "same place, different perspective". I did shed a few tears as I walked into the room, as I quickly lamented a few of the decisions I had made towards the end of my stay 3 years ago. Then things got really heavy (I use that word so much I was thinking of renaming the blog "The Heavy Fool", but that just makes me sound like a fat dufus). I found an old letter (I dont remember writing) to my uncle (who had passed away 2 years earlier) all about "her". Talk about your Hiroshimas and Nagasaki's. I nearly lost it and couldn't finish the letter. Although I guess I can say its all uphill from here in that regards.
I have enjoyed the shiurim I've gone to, thank G-d, and the other madrichim are very nice, though I see myself getting close with maybe 2 of them at best. I definitely need more time with people of more maturity, and while 2 of my closest friends are in Yerushalayim , I can't always pick up and go. I haven't had a chance to really speak to talk to any of the rebbeim but I hope I do soon. I know I'm in need of their guidance more than ever. I also met this really nice psychiatrist who came and gave a course to the staff (and will be coming every once and a while) about how to look for certain disorders in teenagers (e.g. kleptomania, substance abuse etc...) He and I spoke for a while and it was nice getting out some of issues to a professional. I'm thinking of maybe talking to him again. It'll probably be good for me, I just haveo put my pride in check.
Basically I'm feeling very apprehensive about the year, and hope that I can make it,because if I do that'll mean things are going well (if I'm still unhappy come January I doubt I'll stick around). Otherwise there's nothing so eventful to say, so it seems this blog entry was as bland as my Motorola I90 phone.

NOW AND THEN

Before I begin I just want to say that from here on in I won't be advertising the blog as much anymore. It'll still be up for those of you who know the address but I'm afraid it might get a bit controversial and very personal. I probably invited in a few people I'd rather not be reading some things I've written by leaving the address as my away message. Hopefully this ongoing documentation of my life will still persevere and be a testament of only positivity and happiness over the coming year.



I'm leaving for the airport in under 3 hours and my thoughts are just a whirlpool, and my emotions are equally unstable. I keep getting painful flashbacks, that are oddly giving me a bit of strength, and showing me a heavy, but necessary perspective of then and now.

THEN- I was madly in love, and going to Israel to oversome my past and help secure a better life for myself and the object of my affection.
NOW- Not in love, not even in like with anyone, and going to Israel to figure things out, (defeat the past?) hopefully meet someone incredible.

THEN- Packing was easy, I had a lot of help...and everything was so neat!
NOW- Packing is a bit frustrating and I'm having a bit of trouble getting everything in, let alone neatly (I sooo want that bag Mary Poppins uses).

THEN- There was a great going away surprise party thrown for me, and I never felt more loved in my entire life.
NOW- I had a very nice night with my closest friends in America, which became more of a reunion with people I'm not as close with (though I think they're great and I wouldn't mind becoming so), and later a last hangingout with my closest friend in Queens. A swell evening I'd have to say. {I'd also like to add here a special shout out and thank you to all my friends- mostly westerners- who've just been awesome over the last 6 months or so. I'm really going to miss you guys :( }

THEN- 20 years old, an OK student, but thought I knew exactly what I wanted, and was excited for my future.
NOW- 23, college grad with honors, no frickin clue, ashamed to admit I'm a bit afraid of the future. Grad school???? Old job back??? Chinuch???? NASA Simulator Space Pilot??

THEN- Very naive to the darker side of the world around us, and the people who drown in it.
'NOW- All to aware of it (and maybe it's one time victim on a certain sense), and going to try everything I can to keep those I care about away from it.

THEN- Just some dude at the Yeshiva, "The Guy".
NOW- A person of importance with actual responsibilities.

THEN- More uptight, arrogant, and judgemental.
NOW- Doing my best to do away with those negative attributes.

THEN- No friends in Israel when I arrived, all alone.... :(
NOW- Probably my two best friends (certainly the 2 friends I've been continuously close with longest in my life)in the Holy land with me, and their respective women, both of which I dig.

THEN- Studied "lighter" subjects, and spent a lot of free time talking, IMing with and daydreaming about the woman,.
NOW- Planning to learn heavier stuff and focus more on my learning than I ever have before. Daydreaming about.....come to think of it, nothing really...not sure if that's good or bad (open to suggestions on this one).

THEN- Was a bit of a social hermit. I had a serious girlfriend I was planning to marry, so not once did I go away for shabbos, and rarely did I hang out in town. I just hung out in yeshiva (happily).
NOW- Totally available, and looking to have a grand time across the land. Here I come Israel, and I'm bringing the SCHWAAA~~~~ with me (yes, that was dorky, but I couldn't stop myself).

OK, as always there's lots more, but I'm in a hurry so I'll some up everything on my mind by simply writing one word that reflects all my feelings of the past, all my pain and desires of love and love lost, and all my ambitions and and tfillot for the future: happiness. What we all want. You know it when you have it, and when you've lost it. G-d willing I'll know it again soon.

This One Goes Out To The One I Hated

Heavy title for a blog huh? Well I've got a bunch of things to do today but hopefully I'll write about this later-tbc.....

Later-"Hate" is an incredibly strong word. We often say we "hate" something, but in essence we just don't like it. For example, I always say I hate Ketchup but I just don't like it. I "hate" the Atlanta Braves, but truthfully I'm just frustrated by how they always beat the Mets and have a smug attitude (Chipper Jones naming his son Shea?!) I say I hate the Yankees and The Phillies (well more their fans than the team) when in truth I loathe them.
When you truly hate something or someone you want nothing but the worst for them. You want them to suffer, disappear, and be hated by others as well (hatred works so much better by committee). Many times we hate something/one we once loved; an ex-boy/girlfriend, an athlete who won't give an autograph, a car that doesn't live up to your expectations etc...
There's been people in my life who I've truly disliked. There's two guys in perticular who I couldn't give a damn about, and I hope I never see or hear from them again...but at the same time I occasionally daven that they should do a 180 and go from being rashaim to tzaddikim. If they were stranded on the side of the road I suppose I would help them, though in no way would I be happy about it.
Then there's the person this blog is about. He/she I truly hated. Until recently I would have driven right by him/her. Obvious question: why? Most people who read these and know me think I'm a nice guy, which I like to believe I am. So how could I come to hate this someone, someone I once loved in fact, with all the denotative meaning of the word? Well I felt that this person betrayed me and was responsible for causing me a great deal of pain, and I felt it was purposeful on his/her part (though that, of course, is denied), brought on by unrelenting feelings of jealousy. Furthermore, when I was "down and out" this person did nothing to try to console me, further evidence to support my theory. In many way he/she benefited most from my situation, though he/she didn't know I hated them so, they just felt we weren't on the best of terms (riiggghhhttttttt). I know this sounds quite heavy and 90210ish, but it was a reality I'm very happy to have gotten away from.
After many long months of simply sitting in the pools of stubborn hate, I finally decided to get out a bit and rethink things. See, as much as I did hate this person, I hated hating them. It can be so easy to hate, in fact one of my biggest problems would be solved right now if I just started to hate this aspect. But, as we've learned from Mr. Lucas, hatred is the way to the Dark Side. I knew nothing good could come from hatred, and that holding on to it would certainly impede the growth I'm going to try and accomplish in Israel. So, in the spur of the moment, I made a phone call. This person was very happy to hear from me (which filled me with a lot of anger I must admit), and we talked for a while. I told him/her how I felt, and we kind of worked through things a little. Ironically this person didn't benefit from my pain in the end as much as he/she may or may not have originally planned. We talked a lil bit more and both wished each other well, but there's probably a long way to go, and a lot of time that has to pass before we can be back on. But I took the first step, and I do feel the hatred in me starting to quell, and though the my stubbornness is fighting me I am feeling a bit more at ease. Hopefully as time goes by all the crap that happened between me and this person will prove to be for the best. I'm a bit skeptical, but we'll just have to wait and see. Right now I just have to be happy with the progress I've made and....start packing!!!!!

Flop the Flip

As I suggested last time here is the blog on that most horrendous of terminologies: "Flipping Out". I'm sure once I get to Israel most of my blogs will have a religious nature to them, so for those of you who care to read this site, be prepared for such theological tendencies. But before I get to the Holy Land I think it would be fitting to discuss my views on what the year in Israel could mean for a boy or girl coming out of his/her teens (or a 23-year-old young man trying to reconstruct his life for that matter). It is a wonderful opportunity to grow in nearly every way possible: emotionally, physically (assuming the Yeshiva has decent exercise accommodations, which many now do), spiritually/religiously and in maturity as well. Indeed, the year in Israel can help structure the rest of a young persons life. Those who feel lost, often find themselves. Those who were lazy learn how to work hard.Those who just liked to party and be a hedonist in high school, many times settle down and realize there's much more to life. And most importantly, many who never had any real connection to G-d and Judaism see the emes and experience the beauty, power, and positive-nature of true yidishkite. Unfortunately this alteration of life has been deemed "flipping out", and it is connotatively said with the most negative, if not evil, of tones. Parents are sometimes horrified to see their sons in white and black, wearing their tzizit out, going to minyan 3x a day, learning in their spare time, not talking loshon hara (the acid of destruction in many communities), not socializing as much with members of the opposite sex, saying brachos and maybe even wearing a black hat!!
I for one am all for this "flipping out". I'm sure many people would make the argument that for a good number of students it's just a fad, a phase, the "in-thing" to do. And unfortunately this is true. Many people do go on a downward spiral religiously after they leave Israel and go to college; it sadly seems inevitable in some cases. My answer to this is the following: even if these people lose all they gained in Israel (though many do retain certain religous habbits or ideologies), at least they had that brief time in their lives when they tasted the awesome truth that lies in Torah. And even if it was a phase in their lives they still did so many mitzvot in that time that they do get schar for.
One of the saddest things in the world to me is seeing people who got frum and seemed to have so much structure, lose it all the further away they get from Israel. Whether it's apathy, anger or sorrow that takes them over, I've seen people lose that glow, and genuine fervence that not only surrounded them, but emitted rays of inspiration to those around them as well (and it's even sadder when shame takes them over after they sink, and even though they know what the real emes is, they're too embarrassed and even weak to attempt to "flip" once more). I've shed tears seeing this. It depresses me, and frustrates me to the point of muted eruption.

Yet, on the flip side I've seen people who were so lost, who people might have seen as hopeless (and I'm sure there own self image was the same for some) completely change their lives around. In Israel they found direction, meaning and most importantly happiness (and to those people who say they're happy but feel guilty at the same time-for whatever action(s)they do, that is not really happiness, it is a shadowed version of it that can never reach the grandeur of its wholesome cousin). Seeing this is wonderful. These people inspire me. They make me smile. It is not only amazing to see such growth in people, but to also talk to them, and hear the difference in their speech, feeling the amazing midot that flow out of them. People like this do good, and cause others to do good as well. I can already see the change wanting to blossom in many of the 16-year-olds I'm privledged to know, and thouh there's still a year or two of immaturity in them which needs to run its course (and this is why I'm leanient with them in many areas), I can't wait to see them in a couple of years. To use an old Raleigh term: It'll be frickin' great! And I'm totally psyched to see the boys in Yeshiva grow over the next year.

I hate sleaz and scum, and strive for a life of purity, and I think that the year in Israel (and even Israel as a whole) offers and achieves that in a way the U.S.(and certainly college) never can. If over the year I grow in all the aforementioned ways, if I attain such purity, if I find treasure chests filled with Torah knowledge, if I become a true mensch with great midot, and if I do manage to inspire, and (for me) gain real happiness, then let me "flip out". I know I won't be wearing a black hat (I'm not against it, but I know it's not me), but may change my dress. I may not make my often very funny, but slightly inappropriate remarks, but my natural wit will still be there. I may not drive to Boston and back in a single night to see Guster but, I...on second though if they're playing with the Pops again I probably will- so scratch that. Yet, I may not go to see The Gin Blossoms at Mulchaheys (a bar), but my great taste in music will still be apart of me. I may miss an inning at Shea to say mincha or maariv, but I'll still love my Mets. And I may decide to curtail a lot of my emotion, but my passion will still be underneath it all. I'm honestly not sure if some or any of these changes will occur (and if they will last). But hearing myself say these words I am reaffirmed of the positivity of this term of "flipping out". I for one don't call it that though. I like to say "growing" or at worst "frumed out". As in, "Michael really grew a lot his year in Israel", or "Baruch Hashem, Jonathan really frumed out, he's on a solid derech now".
Looking at it from this perspective, is it really such a bad thing? If you say yes, you might be flipping nuts.