The B.S. of Brokeback

"The Password is: Flaming."

The Oscar nominations were announced this morning, and of course "Brokeback Mountain" received a bunch of them, including one for Best Picture. I don't think there's any doubt that the film will win that award along with Best Director for Ang Lee. It's just the way Hollywood works these days. The politics of the movie are just as important as its quality.
I saw the film this past Friday afternoon in order to see if all the hoopla and praise was just. I went by myself as none of my female friends wanted to see it and I just didn't feel comfortable seeing it with guys. This wasn't because I cared what people might think, it was because I knew it would be very unsettling for me seeing homosexual sex sitting next to a guy; I even feel uncomfortable seeing heterosexual acts with guy friends (using the term Kal Vachomer here felt a bit wrong). It's just odd, and I feel squeamish. So I went alone. Of course as the film began I oddly started thinking how I'm in the midst of my longest shomer negiah streak in about 5 years and that I was watching "Brokeback Mountain" by myself- maybe I was a closet homosexual?! But as things would turn out I wasn't arroused by Heath and Jake playing catch, which confirms that I'm not gay...so I guess that's nice. I wasn't so shocked when they would kiss, I mean I do work in Chelsea and have seen enough "Will & Grace" that I'm basically desensitized to such things. But that one scene where Heath Ledger sodomizes Jake Gyllenhal... well to be honest the emotion I felt when I saw it was revulsion. I honestly was nauseous and disgusted by it. I had never seen anything like that in my life (nor do I want to ever again). "Pulp Fiction" and "Deliverance" are different. In those movies one of the guys is getting raped. But here it was consensual and utterly disturbing. I don't feel guilty for feeling so strongly. I mean I can't help it, it's simply how I felt. I have as much a right to feel that way, as another man might feel aroused and liberated by seeing such things in a movie.
I would like to state that I did in fact think that "Brokeback Mountain" was a good movie, but I certainly wouldn't put it in my top five of the year. I thought "A History of Violence" was the best movie of 2005, and it was not nominated for Best Picture, though I feel it's infinitely better than "Brokeback". But even if it was nominated, there's no movie this year that could stop the cowboys from winning the Oscar (I'm hoping the riveting "Crash" will, but I'm a fool for such things). What really bothers me is that I truly believe that the film will win more for its social statement and less for its cinematic merit. I'm pro-gay marriage, disgusted when homosexuals are oppressed, and was genuinely sad when they killed off Peters boss on "Family Guy". Gay people really don't bother me. In fact I'm almost relieved that the movie is going to win the Oscar, this way we can finally stop making an issue it. Five years ago black people (justifiably) were "outraged" at the minimal recognition African-Americans had received at the Oscars. And guess what happened? The next year Whoopi Goldberg hosted (and did a horrible job), Sidney Poitier most-deservedly won the lifetime achievement award, Denzel Washington won Best Actor for "Training Day" (I loved the movie but are you f------ kidding me!), and Halli Berri won Best Actress for her soft-porn turn in "Monsters Ball". Denzel and Halli's wins were probably the two most undeserved victories in Academy history. I mean Denzel beat Russel Crowe in "A Beautiful Mind" and Sean Penn in "I Am Sam"!? If you think I'm just being racist then think about this: Crowe and Penn could each have played each others role as well as Washington's in "Training Day", but Washington simply doesn't have the range to play the other two characters. Crowe should have won, but didn't because he won the previous year for "Gladiator". Washington was good, but not Oscar-good, but of course there's more to it than just the performance. And once more the Academy is going to appease a minority group by awarding an undeserved honor upon an overrated film.
I think the acting in the film is great, even if I had a tough time understanding Ledger mumbling, and I would be satisfied if Michelle Williams won Best Supporting Actress (though my moneys on Rachel Weisz for "The Constant Gardener"). I think the viewer is somewhat cheated with the scopic cinematography. The engaging vistas are meant to be Wyoming, but the shots all have a certain gloom to them. This is because the film is actually shot in Canada. I think Wyoming is owed an apology because the state is far more gorgeous than the film leads one to believe.
And now for my biggest critique of the film: I just didn't see the romance between Jack and Ennis! The first time the two consummate, Ennis is drunk and they basically go at it like a couple of antelope during mating season- a couple of gay antelope of course. I didn't see any love or connection, just rugged man-love extinguishing the sexual frustrations of two guys alone for a prolonged period of time in the middle of nowhere. Would I be doing the same thing in their position? Of course not. I'm not gay....plus I think it would be much more romantic if one was face to face with his/her partner for the first time together.
As the film progress it seems Gylenhalls character is more of a sexual deviant than a romantic imprisoned by society. Both men cheat on their wives, but Jack Twist cheats on Ennis with another good ol boy from Texas and Mexican male hookers as well. His defense is that he can't control himself. He needs homosexual sex. I just couldn't sympathize with this. Should we feel bad for a pedophile who just "needs to rape children"? Hedonism is not a virtue, even when propagated by seemingly "innocent" emotions. I mean the guy's cheating on his wife, which is bad enough. But he's also cheating on his "true love" as well. Heck, I don't even know where this love is. I understand that it's restrained because of the films setting but even when the two are alone it never was apparent to me. Of course hardly any critic will agree with me. It's not worth their career. By making this movie Ang Lee (who is a spectacular director) essentially said "We're going to be making this controversial film that will shock you. But you won't have the guts to talk badly about it even if it sucks." Gene Shalit had some negative criticism for the film and of course fell under the GLAAD firing squad. It just irritates me that a decent film, with a blatant message, must be elevated to a level of grandeur to suppress the accommodating ideological emancipation of a bickering minority. It's a shame the chussidim haven't been making such a stink lately. Perhaps "Ushpizin" would have been nominated for an Oscar too.

Don't Call Me Mellow Yellow

What a difference a year makes. Around this time in 2005 I headed to Boston for business and pleasure for a few days. At that point in my life I was down, dejected, apathetic and probably at my all time spiritual low, doing things I never imagined i would actaully do.
B"H as I returned for a nearly identical trip this weekend none of those characteristics were present. That old rascal the Yetzer Hara was around several corners but I think I did a good job of avoiding him. I made every minyan this weekend at this University (a first for me there), did a good amount of learning (for me, again), said hamapil every night, didn't drink at all (which is easy for me- I hate alcohol), and didn't touch any women (which is hard for me- I like women). This time last year I, uh...well let's just say I was significantly worse in all areas...and maybe more. Truth be told my weekend was pretty uneventful, certainly nothing worth blogging about. Although there is one issue that's been on my mind the last few weeks that did in fact come up once or twice over the weekend: mellowing out.
Now allow me to explain what this means in the connotative Jewish sense. In most cases when a person comes back from a prolonged amount of time in Israel (usually in a Yeshiva setting) they come back more religious, sometimes wayyyy more religious. Now this tends to irk some people (we'll get back to this), and there's almost always someone saying "He/she'll mellow out in a few weeks". Now this can be taken two ways. The first can mean that they lose that glow that they carried over from the Holy Land, and simply revert to what they were like before they left, maybe with a bit more religious repetitious practices in their daily life, which often they will lose as well. The other interpretation can be a simple leveling off to an uninspired routine. I don't like either of these choices. I think it's important to find a good balance in ones life upon his/her return, but I'm just bothered by the subtle implications in peoples voices when I hear them say "mellow out". I can't remember hearing someone say that and not cringe a bit because I can see that they're bothered by the persons new religious persona. I wonder why? Maybe they prefer a more apathetic attitude towards religion? Maybe they liked the old person better, disliking the new nature of their friend/relative? Maybe it's that they see what they once were or what they could have been, and there's inner guilt?
I remember a semi-religious friend of mine teling me that he occasionally eats out dairy. I then tried to explain to him how cheese can be very problematic because of te renit, but he cut me off before I got going. He didn't want to know. He preferred to live in the shogeg. He was afraid of knowing more, and thus feeling more guilt. The less he understood the better; this seemed to be his take on religion. What does this mean? That deep down he beleived but that he didn't/couldn't be more religious for whatever reasons. Unfortunately he "mellowed out" before he even "flipped out".

I know I don't want to mellow out. I know what I need to do in order to maintain a stable, happy life. I "mellowed out" once and things didn't go so well. Now I'm not saying I want to get to a very right wing place, I still watch "24" and "Lost", but I want to maintain my daily minyan going, learning, hamapil saying, negiah, and overall attempts at growth. When I think of mellowing out in this regard I feel like it is an underhanded expression for curbing such growth.
I know a bunch of people who mellowed out and eventually went down horrible derechs. They were people who had that glow, who inspired and aspired, who had an overall affecting affability. Then they mellowed out, and eventually gave into apathy and temptation. Drugs, sex, alcohol, selfishness, anger and all sorts of self-destruction followed in varying degrees in various cases. They needed to replace that high Torah once gave them, and the sad thing is that I don't think they even knew it superficially. I look at these people and I just want to slap them across the face and say "You're better than this!!" This is not me be being judgmental, this is me looking at people I care about from from two directions and knowing without a doubt which one is better. I see what they could still be and it just frustrates me completely (thank G-d I have the blog to vent).
I guess I don't want things to be like they were the last time I came back from Israel. I mellowed out then, and if there's one motif in my life the last year it's been that I've been learning from all my mistakes, so I don't want to mellow out now. I don't want to go down now that I'm home, but up. I'm back in real life and this is where the challenge is, and I can't go down the easy road.

Too Close For Comfort

Everyone has those key events in their lives. Those pinnacle moments that will forever effect the rest of their days. Sometimes those moments are blatant, epiphanies even, like the first time you realize your in love, overcoming a great fear or a near death experience. Other times theses moments are more subtle and it takes a bit of reflection to realize how important those are. Yesterday I had an experience that was somewhere in the middle. I'm going to call it a near near-death experience that instilled a great deal of self-reflection.
I was upstate at my sisters in Moncey this Shabbos. Saturday night there was about 4 inches of snow and ice that fell,causing me to spend the night (it wasn't a big deal- I like it in Moncey). I left on Sunday at around noon. As soon as I started driving I had a bad feeling. The roads were still quite icy, and the wheel didn't seem to be in my total control. I was taking it slow, and figured by the time I got to the Palisades it would be fine. Unfortunately, the highway has not plowed incredibly well, and it certainly wasn't salted. About 5 minute after I got onto the Palisades, my car hit an ice patch. I saw it coming and slowed down. It didn't matter. My car spun around 540 degrees. First I was in the middle of the highway with cars buzzing by me, and miraculously missing me. Then I fortunately drifted off to the side, and finally ended up in a small snow bank off the road. The fact that I didn't get hurt at all, nor did my car get the slightest scratch on it is a bit of a Nes, no? I easily could have collided with another car, or skidded at a part of the highway that had a railing, and then would certainly have been somewhat hurt, and my car severely damaged. But I went off the road at one of the points that had no railings, only forest. I didn't even hit a tree. And I just sat in my car just breathing for a few minutes (of course no one stopped to help or see if I was OK- it's NY after all). I relaxed, composed myself, and waited patiently until it was safe to get back on the highway.
Shockingly enough, five miles down the road my car hit another ice patch and I began sliding at a 90 degree angle, this time with cars all around me. I remembered what I did wrong on the first skid (hitting the breaks) and just let the skid take me, and Baruch Hashem I managed to drive out of it unharmed, still on the road. The odd thing was my reaction to the two skids. On the first one I was very relaxed, didn't say anything and thought to myself "Huh, this kind of sucks, hope I don't hit anything." It was like I was watching a boring movie that had a brief exciting scene. But on the second skid I really got nervous, and scared. I blurted out "Please Hashem, no." I guess I had a late reaction to the intensity of the first slide. I'm really not sure exactly why the two reactions were so different.
About ten minutes later there was a traffic jam. As I moved on I saw why: There was a horrible car accident, two cars hit each other head on. Now this highway has a good 30 feet of forest separating the two directions of traffic which means that either a) two cars decided to play chicken on a one way highway and neither flinched (highly unlikely) or b) One of the cars spun around like mine did, but unfortunately this person got hit my a car coming straight on. I think choice b is probably what happened. What made this even more intense was that there was blood all over the hood of one of the cars. I hope that person is OK, but judging by the severity of the damage and the blood I'm not so optimistic.
Of course my next line of though was obvious "Man, that could have been me." It certainly got me thinking. Yet in a certain sense one could say that really nothing happened to me. I wasn't injured at all. I was 100% fine (and so was the car). I wasn't nearly killed because I didn't have any physical harm happen to me. I think there's a lot of truth to this approach, but I think the second skid combined with the bloody accident is too much to just ignore. So I then I had to give a lot of consideration to what Hashem was trying to show me, and I'm still not sure to be honest. I have a few theories though. The first is seemingly simple but all to relevant: saying tfillat haderech. This is something I've been bad at. I don't mean to be but I have a way of being forgetful. I do a lot of traveling and should be saying this prayer quite often, but I just forget a lot of the time. I've been on plain rides to Israel, and 6 hour bus rides when it was my responsibility to say it for a group, but it just slipped my mine (just as it did on my way down from Moncey). Now I know I won't be so lax with it in the future. Maybe my scare was in essence nothing more than a scare to make me realize this simple, but important facet.
The other possibility that occurred to me is that life is short and it can just end at an instant. Maybe I should stop being afraid to fully push for my dreams, and to go all out for them. If I died yesterday I would have left this world as a work in progress. But then again I'm only 23. How many people around my age who pass away are complete successes, having accomplished all their goals? I don't even like to think I had a near death experience per say, it seems a bit to over dramatic. Perhaps If I had, chas vashalom, hit something then maybe. But I didn't, and baruch Hashem I'm OK. Yet I will push myself a bit harder to accomplish my dreams (and I have three, so hopefully one of them will come true), but I think the main focus and the main lesson learned from this ordeal is to say tfillat haderech. It's small, simple, and yet it could save your life.
In the end I don't think this was one of those pivotal moments, just a close call. But that in itself was reason enough for some introspection. Perhaps in a couple of days I'll look on this differently and take some crazy gung-ho action. I'll have to wait and see.
I'm open to any other theories on this of course, so don't hold back if you have something of interest to say.

Time, Torah, and Turtles

This week I was officially busy, mostly with grad school work, and a few other odds and ends. Next week however? Well let's just say I won't be in any sort of rush...to do anything....anywhere. In a way this is very nice, and at the same time it's very scary. Time can be a wonderful gift and a horrid curse. I plan to use my time wisely. It's imperative that I go to bed every night and not think "Jeez I really wasted today." So what am I going to do? Well I'm going to make sure to learn everyday (which I honestly believe is imperative to my spiritual sanity), practice guitar, enjoy "24" and "Lost" (which I just started watching today). More importantly I hope to find an apartment and a part time job till the summer. I'll be ok.
What I really wanted to write about is what it's been like since I've gotten home. In many ways things have changed and in others they're still the same. There's the little things, like how all the radio stations have changed. K-rock is gone, 101.1 went from oldies to just about everything, and XM is widely popular. I have been very pleased to hear Howie Day's "She Says" on the radio (a relationship I had with a girl was indirectly ended because of this song). The funny thing about "She Says" is that this is the third version of it I've heard. The first- straight up acoustic- was about five years ago on Howie's first album "Australia", the second version was more electrified and "expensive" sounding and interestingly enough appeared on Howies second album "Stop All the World Now", and now there's this new radio version which proves that Billy Joel knew what he was talking about in "The Entertainer" (either you got that or you didn't). This version of "She Says" cuts the chorus in half, shortens the bridge, and ends on the chorus too after Howies wailing interlude (this was the only improvement). Basically they sped up the beat and shortened the song to make it more radio friendly. It's still great, but doesn't pack the same punch as the original(s). And on an interesting Billy/Howie note: Howie recently covered Billy's "Only the Good Die Young", which you can find on Kazaa or Llimewire.
Wow, that was a major digression. What the hell was I talking about? Ninja Turtles, right? Does anyone think that Donetello might have been gay? Do you think Shredder ever cuts himself? What was the name of that Ninja Rabbit?
It's odd: I feel like I've grown a good deal in the last six months (with the exception of the previous paragraph), and that I've changed as well, but I'm having a difficult time pinpointing any sort of subtle metamorphosis I might have had. Maybe that's just how growth works, or maybe it's how I think it might work, but actually doesn't, and in fact I'm worse off than ever?...Nahhhhh. I do feel a continuous wave of inner peace that I'm unfamiliar with (which is odd since I should have to worry about than ever), along with more motivation to do good. I hope I do that. I also hope that in the next 2 months I make it to Philly, Atlanta, Boston and Montreal- why not go see some friends with my time?
The last thing I hope for now is that I have more interesting blogs in the future and don't post just for the sake of posting. It will be nice though to go back to 0-2 comments....unless I've inadvertently started a mass Ninja Turtle debate.

The Provisional Friendship

I love the Irony of life. Earlier in the day I was discussing with one of my friends the issue of women wearing pants, and to save time I sent her the link to the blog I wrote on the subject in early May. While looking that blog over and seeing the interesting comments I received, I remembered that last week one of my friends told me that the blog was a little dull of late. That really doesn't bother me all that much. I write the blog about my life and my thoughts. I can't help it if interesting situations dont always present themselves, and thus catalyze a comment-friendly blog. As Hashems plan would have it though a doozy of a situation presented itself a couple of hours ago, and I think this is going to be one of the hottest, most debated blog in months (writing that made me feel sleazy for some reason).
As you may or may not know I returned from the Holy Land last night. It has been bittersweet being back, but on the flight I had a slight epiphany. I knew that bad things would happen in my life, that obstacles would be put in my way: there's is just no avoiding it. But I told myself that I must be prepared for whatever negative events cross my path, and to simply accept them as G-ds will. No good will come from letting them overpower me. The key to my happiness is to remain calm, understanding and open-minded to anything that might happen in my life. So I was well prepared (to a certain extent) for what would happen tonight.
I was supposed to have dinner with an old buddy tonight on Lawng Oyland. Unfortunately I recognized the fact that I was way to jet-lagged to drive to L.I. at 7 pm (my body clocks 2 am). I decided to call one of my friends and ask if she wanted to come along and maybe drive. Being that she hasn't seen me in months I was right to guess that she would say yes. A little while later the original dinner pal called me and said he had to cancel. OK, no biggie, it happens. I called my other friend and told her what happened, and asked if she wanted to get dinner locally. She hesitated, and said that she'd call me back. Five minutes later she calls me back and tells me that since she's in a relationship now we can't hang out one on one anymore..."theres no tachlus in it", but we can still hang out in groups. Fortunately for my jaw there were plenty of my not-fully-unpacked clothes on the floor to cushion the fall. I listened to what she had to say and didn't protest in the least. I did mention that I know plenty of people who are married who are still friends with members of the opposite sex without chaperones, yet I quickly strayed away from this line of thought as I realized there was no tachlus in it (no sarcasm intended). She asked if I objected or was upset by her decision. I told her it really didn't matter one way or the other, as it was her decision to make and that I would accept it. She's new to a real relationship and I don't want to make it any harder on her, and I've been davening for her for several months now (in the shiduch area), so I'm certainly not going to complain. So I told her it was ok and that we'd speak later and I hung up (thinking back now I'm a little shocked that she didn't even wan't to come and say hi).
So now for the obvious Question:Can men and women remain friends once they're in a serious relationship? Personally, I think yes. I'm sure there's plenty who would disagree with me which is fine, but allow me to give reasoning and situational requirements based on my own experience. As I've mentioned I know of married women who have male friends that they may even talk to and socialize with without their husband, and vice versa. Now there should be grounds rules for this obviously. Watching a movie on the couch together is a big no-no, but I don't think having dinner is. What I found interesting is that my friend was concerned about what the image of she and I being seen together would give off. I was thinking the exact opposite. Had I asked her to come over and help me unpack, that would have been problematic, but getting pizza together shouldn't be, especially since anyone who might know us will know that we've been good friends for years now. Which leads me to my next essential: trust.
I guess once two people are in a very serious relationship it might be wrong for them to spent time alone with members of the opposite sex...? Just this Monday me and one of by best friends girlfriend (heck, for all intents and purposes we'll call him my best friend) went to a cafe and then to the movies together (we saw "Prime" which we both really enjoyed). Now my best friend didn't object nor did it bother him in any way. She obviously didn't mind, and neither did I. Me and my best friends girlfriend (Ahh screw it, it's Jestifer) have become good friends and we get along smashingly. But my best friend trusts me, she trusts me, she trusts his judgment, and I trust me as well. Hence going to the movies together was a non-issue. I don't think it even occurred to Jestifer that there might be something scandalous about our cinematic rendezvous. I have many female friends B"H and I'm confident they would all say that I've always been a complete gentleman....even if I make the occasional lude joke (which isn't directed at them, nor is it sleazy in the insinuating sense). I certainly don't like to think that my trustworthiness came into question in her mind. Nonetheless I still do accept her decision, and respect it to a certain extent (the need to vent a bit is apparent, but that's why I have the blog).
I was a little hurt, but as I mentioned above, was well prepared for something like this, so I'm feeling amazingly well considering I now have a limited and ground-ruled friendship with one of me closest mates. The odd thing is that none of my close female friends are married. The only girl I was very close with that is married I was also romantically involved with at one point, so a post-marital platonic friendship would be very sketchy and perhaps inappropriate (Even if our romantic relationship ended over 6 years ago...and it was my doing). Yet as irony would have it we actually started speaking on line every now and again last year, and even hung out once over pesach (in public of course). But if her husband had a problem with us hanging out (which I think maybe he did) I wouldn't argue. There's a significant past there, and it certainly is enough grounds for a legitimate basis of suspicion. When she mentioned at the end of YomTov that we should meet for lunch in the city I said "no prob" but didn't pursue it in any way. In this case it felt a bit inappropriate...even if I am sure nothing inappropriate would ever happen.
I must admit now that I'm very scared of losing the rest of my female friends once they get hitched or close to it (and then It'll just be me stuck with Jestifer and Talel's mother :). Personally, if I consider you a good friend (i.e. someone I keep in touch with) I will not hinder our friendship once I'm involved with someone (E"H, BEH). It's just not me, I didn't do it in thepast, and I won't do it in the future (E"H) but that's not to say the opposite isn't true for others. I had a girlfriend for a quite a while and I didn't cut off my female friends then, and I was 100% faithful to my girlfriend throughout our entire relationship, and I don't think anyone thought otherwise of me even if I did see "E.T." with another girl during that time.
So what this boils down to is that I now have one less friend to call to see a movie, go to a mall, or get a bite to eat with.....unless of course there's others involved, but to be honest I don't think I'm really going to got for that provisional stuff. It feels patronizing, contrived and somewhat insipid. I will of course be 100% cordial and available to my friend if she ever needs anything. I don't want to be on bad terms. I think I'd just be uncomfortable making plans that adhere to specific circumstances. I hope I'm not coming across as petty. I think I'm just a little insulted. It upsets me that Jestifer whose only known me for 7 months (but who has become a legitimate friend despite her "gorilla" boyfriend) can fully trust me, while someone whose known me for several years can't. One might say that that really isn't the issue, but I would argue that in many ways it became the issue. Unless my friend has had a significant religious revival in the last three weeks (to the yeshivaish end) then it is, I think, justifiably bothersome to me that our friendship has been modified to such an extent. I'm just not sure it's necessary. But so it goes...
I should point out that if chas vashalom her relationship doesn't work out and she wants to get some pizza one night- just the two of us- I won't be the atypical shmuck and say "Ohhhhh so now it's ok...yadda, yaddda, yadda". I'd be happy to hang out with her again. Nekamah never suited me. I'm merely respecting her decision... while venting some frustrations, as well as jotting down my view on a controversial topic. I'm looking forward to the comments on this one- it's been a while since the blog had a good debate going.

I'm Comin' Back Now

Well my time in the Holy Land is almost at an end. Most people usually say how they can't believe how fast it went by or something like that. Not me. It felt like 4 months, for better or worse. But if you add the fact that I was away for the summer as well then I essentially have not been home for 6 months. It is certainly going to be an adjustment getting back into the New York state of mind, but I am excited for it. I am definitely going to miss Israel, perhaps more than ever. This was the most positive experience I've had here to date. Yet it's time to get back to the good ol' U.S. of A.
So what's in store for me now that this chapter of my life is closing? Well I'm planning to get my own place (most likely in Queens), take care of grad school work, write another screenplay, and keep Mondays nights open for 24. As far as a job goes, things aren't looking so great at my old job. They could be a lot worse, but not exactly what I was hoping. I'll just have to make the best of it and see if I can find any worthwhile part time work between now and the summer.
So now it's time to reflect on the last four months. I was looking over the blogs from then, and I definitely see a great deal of growth in myself. It's odd how last time I came to Yeshiva I really pushed myself to change in certain ways, but in the end it was all fruitless and I simply self-destructed. But this time around I didn't really exert myself in trying to be this or that, I just went with the flow, and amazingly that seems to have facilitated positive change/growth within me. Don't get me wrong I'm still the witty, Movie/Met freak I was before I left. Just now I think I've gained a certain amount of maturity, confidence and will power. I hope that I make sure to say brachas, bench, daven three times a day (preferably with a minyan), keep learning mesechet Brachos, and most importantly not lose patience with Hashem. I know this might sound weird but Baruch Hashem I've started to understand how the Yetzer Hara has been successful in his plots against me, and once you understand your enemy you begin to learn ho to defeat him,and in many ways I've been successful at beating him. The Yetzer Haras allies are laziness, procrastination, fear, anger, irritability, being impatient, shortsighted and condemning. He will use these and other weapons to bring you down and keep you from achieving your goals. I have found that when he is swirling around my mind, using these forces against me, that a forceful burst declaring "NO!" works. The inclination is gone and more often than not these days I overcome him, B"H. I think this, perhaps more than anything, is the most important thing I've gotten out of my time here. I hope that once I get back I continue to grow spiritually as well as emotionally. I know how I want to lead my life and I hope I have the courage to follow the direction I see is the right path for me.
I know I had certain doubts and misgivings about coming here and doing what I've done. If I had the choice to go back and do it all again would I? I think I would, and it makes me very happy to write that. I've done so many wonderful things with my time here, made many new friends, met lots of great guys in yeshiva, and genuinely like the person I am (this time last year I hated myself). So that's nice
To all my friends in Israel: I'll miss you all very much, and will truly cherish the time I've had here with you (especially all the fun at the Merkaz- Jestifer finally got a shoutout!!) and hope to see you all soon. .
To all my friends back home: The Fool is coming home people!! Brace yourself for the new and improved power of the Schwaaaaa~~~~~.....I believe that should confirm the fact that I'm still out of my mind. Can't wait to see you guys......and Dov too!!