The Provisional Friendship

I love the Irony of life. Earlier in the day I was discussing with one of my friends the issue of women wearing pants, and to save time I sent her the link to the blog I wrote on the subject in early May. While looking that blog over and seeing the interesting comments I received, I remembered that last week one of my friends told me that the blog was a little dull of late. That really doesn't bother me all that much. I write the blog about my life and my thoughts. I can't help it if interesting situations dont always present themselves, and thus catalyze a comment-friendly blog. As Hashems plan would have it though a doozy of a situation presented itself a couple of hours ago, and I think this is going to be one of the hottest, most debated blog in months (writing that made me feel sleazy for some reason).
As you may or may not know I returned from the Holy Land last night. It has been bittersweet being back, but on the flight I had a slight epiphany. I knew that bad things would happen in my life, that obstacles would be put in my way: there's is just no avoiding it. But I told myself that I must be prepared for whatever negative events cross my path, and to simply accept them as G-ds will. No good will come from letting them overpower me. The key to my happiness is to remain calm, understanding and open-minded to anything that might happen in my life. So I was well prepared (to a certain extent) for what would happen tonight.
I was supposed to have dinner with an old buddy tonight on Lawng Oyland. Unfortunately I recognized the fact that I was way to jet-lagged to drive to L.I. at 7 pm (my body clocks 2 am). I decided to call one of my friends and ask if she wanted to come along and maybe drive. Being that she hasn't seen me in months I was right to guess that she would say yes. A little while later the original dinner pal called me and said he had to cancel. OK, no biggie, it happens. I called my other friend and told her what happened, and asked if she wanted to get dinner locally. She hesitated, and said that she'd call me back. Five minutes later she calls me back and tells me that since she's in a relationship now we can't hang out one on one anymore..."theres no tachlus in it", but we can still hang out in groups. Fortunately for my jaw there were plenty of my not-fully-unpacked clothes on the floor to cushion the fall. I listened to what she had to say and didn't protest in the least. I did mention that I know plenty of people who are married who are still friends with members of the opposite sex without chaperones, yet I quickly strayed away from this line of thought as I realized there was no tachlus in it (no sarcasm intended). She asked if I objected or was upset by her decision. I told her it really didn't matter one way or the other, as it was her decision to make and that I would accept it. She's new to a real relationship and I don't want to make it any harder on her, and I've been davening for her for several months now (in the shiduch area), so I'm certainly not going to complain. So I told her it was ok and that we'd speak later and I hung up (thinking back now I'm a little shocked that she didn't even wan't to come and say hi).
So now for the obvious Question:Can men and women remain friends once they're in a serious relationship? Personally, I think yes. I'm sure there's plenty who would disagree with me which is fine, but allow me to give reasoning and situational requirements based on my own experience. As I've mentioned I know of married women who have male friends that they may even talk to and socialize with without their husband, and vice versa. Now there should be grounds rules for this obviously. Watching a movie on the couch together is a big no-no, but I don't think having dinner is. What I found interesting is that my friend was concerned about what the image of she and I being seen together would give off. I was thinking the exact opposite. Had I asked her to come over and help me unpack, that would have been problematic, but getting pizza together shouldn't be, especially since anyone who might know us will know that we've been good friends for years now. Which leads me to my next essential: trust.
I guess once two people are in a very serious relationship it might be wrong for them to spent time alone with members of the opposite sex...? Just this Monday me and one of by best friends girlfriend (heck, for all intents and purposes we'll call him my best friend) went to a cafe and then to the movies together (we saw "Prime" which we both really enjoyed). Now my best friend didn't object nor did it bother him in any way. She obviously didn't mind, and neither did I. Me and my best friends girlfriend (Ahh screw it, it's Jestifer) have become good friends and we get along smashingly. But my best friend trusts me, she trusts me, she trusts his judgment, and I trust me as well. Hence going to the movies together was a non-issue. I don't think it even occurred to Jestifer that there might be something scandalous about our cinematic rendezvous. I have many female friends B"H and I'm confident they would all say that I've always been a complete gentleman....even if I make the occasional lude joke (which isn't directed at them, nor is it sleazy in the insinuating sense). I certainly don't like to think that my trustworthiness came into question in her mind. Nonetheless I still do accept her decision, and respect it to a certain extent (the need to vent a bit is apparent, but that's why I have the blog).
I was a little hurt, but as I mentioned above, was well prepared for something like this, so I'm feeling amazingly well considering I now have a limited and ground-ruled friendship with one of me closest mates. The odd thing is that none of my close female friends are married. The only girl I was very close with that is married I was also romantically involved with at one point, so a post-marital platonic friendship would be very sketchy and perhaps inappropriate (Even if our romantic relationship ended over 6 years ago...and it was my doing). Yet as irony would have it we actually started speaking on line every now and again last year, and even hung out once over pesach (in public of course). But if her husband had a problem with us hanging out (which I think maybe he did) I wouldn't argue. There's a significant past there, and it certainly is enough grounds for a legitimate basis of suspicion. When she mentioned at the end of YomTov that we should meet for lunch in the city I said "no prob" but didn't pursue it in any way. In this case it felt a bit inappropriate...even if I am sure nothing inappropriate would ever happen.
I must admit now that I'm very scared of losing the rest of my female friends once they get hitched or close to it (and then It'll just be me stuck with Jestifer and Talel's mother :). Personally, if I consider you a good friend (i.e. someone I keep in touch with) I will not hinder our friendship once I'm involved with someone (E"H, BEH). It's just not me, I didn't do it in thepast, and I won't do it in the future (E"H) but that's not to say the opposite isn't true for others. I had a girlfriend for a quite a while and I didn't cut off my female friends then, and I was 100% faithful to my girlfriend throughout our entire relationship, and I don't think anyone thought otherwise of me even if I did see "E.T." with another girl during that time.
So what this boils down to is that I now have one less friend to call to see a movie, go to a mall, or get a bite to eat with.....unless of course there's others involved, but to be honest I don't think I'm really going to got for that provisional stuff. It feels patronizing, contrived and somewhat insipid. I will of course be 100% cordial and available to my friend if she ever needs anything. I don't want to be on bad terms. I think I'd just be uncomfortable making plans that adhere to specific circumstances. I hope I'm not coming across as petty. I think I'm just a little insulted. It upsets me that Jestifer whose only known me for 7 months (but who has become a legitimate friend despite her "gorilla" boyfriend) can fully trust me, while someone whose known me for several years can't. One might say that that really isn't the issue, but I would argue that in many ways it became the issue. Unless my friend has had a significant religious revival in the last three weeks (to the yeshivaish end) then it is, I think, justifiably bothersome to me that our friendship has been modified to such an extent. I'm just not sure it's necessary. But so it goes...
I should point out that if chas vashalom her relationship doesn't work out and she wants to get some pizza one night- just the two of us- I won't be the atypical shmuck and say "Ohhhhh so now it's ok...yadda, yaddda, yadda". I'd be happy to hang out with her again. Nekamah never suited me. I'm merely respecting her decision... while venting some frustrations, as well as jotting down my view on a controversial topic. I'm looking forward to the comments on this one- it's been a while since the blog had a good debate going.