One Year Later

So now then....For the past few weeks I've been seriously debating whether or not to go ahead with this blog. It will certainly be my most personal one to date, and therefore my most dangerous. But I have found writing these entries to be very therapeutic and I think in the long run I'll be happy I decided to go ahead and post this.
It was a year ago today that I broke up (for good) with the girl who prompted the creation of this blog. It's funny how a year can be such a long time but also so little. I can't decide if one year sounds like a long time or not. It feels long in the sense that it seems like forever since I've had an actual conversation with her. I've also completely adapted to single life, and so the time feels like a lot. But on the other end I have certain memories, emotions and dreams that make it seem like we were just together last week. Either way (aka summer days for you Hillel folk) the important thing is that I'm actually healthy in this regard, whereas 6-8 months ago I was an absolute wreck. It's tough to end things with someone you love, but over time I came to terms with it and realized it was for the best (or so I hope). I know there were a lot of bad times we had, and plenty of things I wish I had never said or done, but I can't change the past, and now I find myself holding on to the good times and erasing the bad. I'm not idealizing the relationship, just trying to remember it as something positive.
I know that even though a year ago I made a foolish, false accusation that became the immediate cause of the break-up, the relationship was really over several weeks, if not months before that. But I didn't want to let go, I don't know if I could. Sometimes a sinking yacht feels a lot safer than a log raft on freezing waters. I even knew subcontiously that the only way to save the relationship would be to have a nice, long break- something she had suggested a month before the end. But I couldn't do it, and thus stayed in it, taking the plunge till the bitter, dramatic end.
It's weird. Three years ago today if you had asked me what I was doing next week I would have told you all about my plans to get engaged in 7-8 days. I've never spoken of this, but up until the point I got off the plane coming back from Israel that was the plan. We were both madly in love with each other, and though I had fears concerning my age and $ I was going to go ahead with it. So what happened? Simply put, she wasn't there. This short tale might sounds nuts, it certainly doesn't fully compute in my own head, but it's the truth. For months I was anticipating that moment when I would finally see her again. It consumed my thoughts multiple times a day. I would step out of the gate, and there she would be waiting for me, waiting to start our life together. But when the plane finally did land and I exited the gate, she wasn't there, and I was crushed. I know it's silly and illogical, but that's how I felt. I just thought she'd be there at the gate, that's the way I'd envisioned it for months. And even though seeing her 10 minutes later outside in the parking lot was a moment I'll never forget, I think deep down I knew that it wasn't going to happen between us...certainly not then at a minimum. A year and half later when I was finally ready once more to truly commit (ironically the night I landed from my summer travels) it was too late. But maybe it was all just a blessing in disguise.
One of the hardest things for me after we didn't get engaged three years ago, and finally ended things for real last year, was running into the guys from Yeshiva. I would blabber to anyone that would listen about how in love I was and how I was getting married when I got back, and yada yada yada. Basically Eyen Hora city. There were then at least 50 encounters with guys from back then asking questions along the line of "So hows married life like?" "Whats new with the wife?" "Hey how come you never got married?" etc... It all depended on what rumor they had heard. I even got one "Dude I'm really sorry about your divorce". Pretty soon after I got back I would dodge any guy I would see so I wouldn't have to explain everything (If you can dodge a an old pal from Yeshiva you can dodge a ball). But now when I see any of the great guys from this year I won't have to hide and I won't have to be embarrassed. I can just run up to them and be completely happy to see them. I'm looking forward to it.
Another hidden blessing: A few blogs back I talked about how I didn't think I was good at my job cause I wasn't having enough meaningful talks with the guys. But that's changed baruch Hashem. It seems that I've developed quite a niche for coaching the guys with broken hearts (just had a solid shmooze last night as a matter of fact). This is something I just couldn't have done three years back. Now I can empathize with the worst stories (and last nights came pretty close to my own). But more importantly I can give sound, constructive advice, having been at rock bottom (which was AFTER my relationship ended, not during as some might believe) and managing to pull my way out. It's hard to see but it seems that Hashem really is doing what's best in the long run.
So here I am a year later, back in Israel, back in yeshiva, hair longer than ever, going home in just three weeks, and it' all good. Sure things could be a little better, but isn't that an unspoken internal constant we all share deep down? Two of my friends here wanted to take me out drinking tonight to "celebrate" my anniversary, but I turned them down. What good would getting drunk do? Maybe if I was all down and moping, depressed and dejected....but I'm not. Thank G-d I'm doing fine. I certainly don;t need alchohol to bring me up. Yes, I still think about her sometimes- I think anyone who was in a long term relationship thinks about his/her ex from time to time (in fact one of the rebbeim here who is loves his wife and has a bunch of kids told me he still thinks about the girl he was dating for a year before he met his wife). It's only natural. I'll even admit that I still love her on some level. I don't believe that once you truly love someone you can stop altogether for eternity. And if you don't believe that, then ask yourself this about someone you once loved but no longer do: If they died tomorrow how would you feel? Not that easy, huh? Where ever she is now (I honestly have no idea) I hope she's doing well and that she's happy. And I hope she wishes the same for me.
I know how heavy this blog was, and that some might say I shouldn't have revealed as much as I did. But I'm cool with it, so you should be too. Obviously it's been on my mind a lot today (though the day really hasn't been that hard at all to be honest), and I just needed to let it out. But before I end of I just want to ask you this: Wouldn't it be hysterical if Captain Crunch started doing commercials for Preparation H? Or if Tony the Tiger was the spokesperson for Depends (Theyrrre Greattttt!)? Thinks about the possibilities...