Movin' On Up....

Alright, the second big thing I referred to a while back happened: I moved to Manhattan. The Upper West Side to be exact. A lot of people are asking/telling me about how exciting this must be. The truth is, it ain't. It's not bad, but it this isn't something I really wanted to do, it's just something I had to do. I'm 25 today (21 Adar), and as Gary Gulman says "If you're 25, living in your parents basement, sleeping on the same Star Wars sheets you has since you were 11- the force is not with you". So I got my own place, where Jewish singles flock like nuns in Vatican City (I've been there- those women are everywhere!) I always thought I 'd live with my parents and save up until I got married. But there's a harsh reality I have to accept: not everyone gets married. Statiscally, are the odds in my favor? Yes. Is there any guarantee? Of course not. The time has just come for me to move on and start over. But doing this has given me a great deal to think about. I started this blog just under two years ago, and while I've come a long way since then in some ways, in others I haven't. I'm not happy with the man I am, and know I can be so much better. I think I was at my best when I was 20, and I need to get back to who I was then. But the big problem is that that Hopefool was so naive, inexperienced, and motivated. I've been through too much in the last 5 years to have that eager zeal I once had. I know how I work religiously, that I can't do much to alter my cyclical sensibilities towards G-d. I don't know if I can grow as an individual without growing religiously. Part of me knows that I have to alter certain aspects of my personality but is afraid to do so- what if the people who do like me as I am now, miss the person I was? But on the other hand I'm not especially happy with who I am now, so wouldn't making these changes be the logical choice?
I need to be more confident, but more humble. I need to not come on too strong, but not be stand offish. Money can't control me, though I shouldn't be irresponsible with it either. I need to be dead honest, but also kind. I should be proud of my life. Watching out for Loshon Hora is a must, as is being more considerate to the people around me.
Soon I will face the biggest responsibility of my life and need to be more mature. This means holding back some of, or perhaps most of the jokes that come to mind. It means being more serious and not as much of a dreamer. Perhaps the most important change I must make is something my best friend pointed out to me: if things are going very well I can't get overly cocky and satisfied. I must remain humble (as noted) and aware of how things were when I wasn't so happy.This will give me more character and maturity, and should things go sour again, I wont crash as hard as I theoretically could. I know all these things I need to do in order to better myself, but they are hard, and I'm not sure exactly where to start. All this certainly won't be easy to achieve, though I do think I am capable of doing it. I will embrace this move with a smile and hope great things come my way. And when they do I'll smile but not for too long :)

Something Good

I said I had planned on posting two major blogs, and I'm very happy to say that this is the first.

My friends "Jake" and "Alison" got engaged this past Thursday night. They met five months ago. I set them up. I'm overflowing with emotions.
At first I was incredibly happy and excited for my friends, and even though I'm not especially happy in my life these days there was so much joy-pure and wholesome- emanating from them that I kind of absorbed a little bit of it myself, if only for one night. Yet the most prevalent emotion going through my head was the sense of accomplishment. I felt like I finally did something important in my life, something good. I thought to myself "If I died today would my life have really meant anything? Would I have really done anything? Really made any sort of difference?" Then I said "Yes, I set up Jake and Alison." Two people are truly happy right now, and I like thinking that I helped make that happen. But I really cant give myself too much credit. It's very possible the two of them would have met on their own, and it's not like I went on any of the dates or gave helpful hints like "She likes an upper neck massage" or "Don't say you like Nickelback" or "Try to keep the flatulence to a minimum". All I did was go through the names on my phone, think that Jake might actually be right for Alison, make a call and the rest is all them. But at the very least I did recognize before anyone else did that these two people could really work. So for that I have a sense of success, but that makes me depressed.....It's a little sad that this ranks so high on my list of accomplishments. But it's the only thing I felt I'd be remembered for in 20 years if I died today. I guess I just have to try harder to make my dreams come true. Not that theres anything wrong with being remembered for the set-up, it's just I hope I can do more.
Another emotion I felt was envy. But it was not the atypical "I wish it was me getting engaged", I honestly didn't think that once, and still haven't felt it. I was actually kind of (pleasantly)surprised by that actually. My envy was similar to this though, but focused on the fact that I started dating someone the same time Jake and Alison began their courtship. I had a very irritating dream in which I was given the following choice: only one of us would end up making it as a couple, but I had to choose which. I hated this dream and how it plagued me. It shouldn't have, but it did. I don't know who I would have picked if faced with a real life choice. I wanted to be an altruist, but altruism shouldn't have to incorporate self-sacrifice. I did set that couple up, and they are good friends of mine so I wanted them to be happy, but I also wanted to be with this girl. Then I thought, "Well they're both really awesome, attractive, funny people who date a lot...I'm sure they'll find other people....I on the other hand...." But then I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was being. After I broke up with the girl 4 weeks later I felt oddly relieved, as if I somehow made the noble choice, but I think I just thought this to help myself feel better. I never actually made that choice. Now I guess my envy lies in the fact that they're relationship worked out whereas mine didn't (which IS different than me being envious of their engagement). I am somewhat ashamed by this, and maybe shouldn't admit it in such a fashion, but I feel it's important to be truthful here in order to gain a better perspective on myself when reading this blog in the future.
I've also come to realize that there's a good chance I won't be able to attend their wedding. They've scheduled it when I fill be in California for work. It will incredibly difficult and expensive for me to fly there and back to see their nuptials. I really want to be there, but I really don't know if it's worth my boss being irritated/disappointed with me, the staff beneath me being resentful for taking more time off than technically allowed, to miss a key part of my job where I'm needed more than other days, and expenses heading somewhere north of $1000. Or maybe all that stuff IS worth it in the end? Blee Eyen Hora they'll only be getting married once. I really don't know what to do. No matter how I look at it, this is a lose-lose situation. It's bitterly ironic that even in something so wonderful as this, a match that I helped make happen, there is this underbelly of frustration and unhappiness. I know that I will be so pissed if I miss their wedding, but also know that I will not fully enjoy it because of all the reasons I mentioned above. Oh well, I guess I can worry more about this as the day approaches.
Right now I want to go celebrate with my friends. I want to do my best to stay humble when people say to me "So I hear this is your doing?" I won't lie that it's great hearing that, and yet I feel oddly uncomfortable. I get a bit embarrassed, a bit it envious, and a bit defensive even. I want to say that it was all the hand of G-d, that I really didn't do anything. But people might think I was weird. (Which I most certainly am of course). I also don't want to bring G-d into it because then I get filled with a (false?) sense of entitlement. I want to yell out "C'mon G-d!! Look what I did! I helped bring them together! And You just keep taking the girls I really like away from me and make me hurt girls I'm not interested in! It's not fair dammmit! You owe me for this! I shouldn't be alone anymore!" That's pretty horrible, huh? I'm ashamed to write it, but I can't deny that I feel it, so in the blog it goes. So much for altruism (I do think that if I did have someone, then I could be completely altruistic in these matters-I really do.)
Well I have to get going to their engagement party. I'm going to smile, drink, be humble when people "praise" me and have a great time. I love them both, and despite my whacked out ideosycracies and slight dementia, at the end I'm just happy for them, proud that I helped and going to let the negative subside and bask in the happiness of Jake and Alison.

Don't Fear The Future

The Hopeful Fool. That's what I call myself. It seems kind of silly sometimes. Yet, it does echo a sort of truth about who I am. Or at least how I perceive myself.
I'm in Boston now staying at a friends place. I love this city. It's full of history and attitude. Every time I come here it seems colder than the last. I hate the cold, detest it, but despite the freeze that always accompanies my trips here, I always feel slightly inspired and somewhat at peace. It rekindles my hope. Which I probably need more than ever. I'm spending a dangerous amount of time lately "living" in the past. I go over many key moments in my life-from age 9 and onward-and imagine things going differently; what I now believe to be the right or better choice. And things always turn out better in my head, of course. Groundhog Day is one of my two favorite movies of all time, and its about a guy who keeps reliving the same day over and over until he gets it right. I love that concept. Heck I even love the concept of Mr. Destiny, and that's a frickin Jim Belushi movie (an angel shows him how his life would have been if one key event went differently....and of course he sees that things were better as they were and he should just be happy with what he has). I'm completely fixated on scenarios like this. Going back and preventing myself from doing many of the foolish, stupid things I've done. It's a nice idea, but unfortunately there are certain mistakes I've made that I suffered from more than I grew from. Here's some hyperbole to prove my point: a man might have a desperate crack addiction, so much so that he kills another man one night for crack. He goes to jail the rest of his life. In jail he gets off the drugs and actually matures and sees the real way to live his life, but it's too late: he's in jail. Now this IS hyperbole, but it's still true. I think about death, and the after life. I hope, even pray, that when one dies he gets to look at his entire life on DVD and actually enter any moment and live it over, acting with the knowledge of how things worked out the first time. Like, maybe if I knew writing in wet cement was a form of vandalism when I was 11 my father wouldn't have gone berserk on me. Maybe I would have had the courage to kiss that girl when I was 14 and my teen years wouldn't have so depressing. Maybe I could have sucked it up and not been such a damn trouble-maker in Israel when I was 18...or least been a more respectful one. I can't stop thinking about these scenarios and others. I space out at times. I've become a true daydreamer....and it has to stop. I know it. It's unhealthy, and I don't think anything good can come from it. It's important to get away sometimes. Having time to myself in Boston has helped me realize that some changes need to be made, that I essentially need a rebirth. But it's hard. Cause that would mean I would have to focus on reality, on the present, and the prospect of the future. And I'll tell you this: I imagine what my life will be like in 10 years and I'm absolutely terrified. This is an awful thing: Fearing the future. This is why I'm dwelling in the past. But change HAS to come. If it doesn't, I'm doomed. This isn't hyperbole. I'm going to slip further and further into my daydreams, into the past, and I think I might slowly lose a slight grip on reality. That may SOUND crazy, but it FEELS true. I think that I'm going to have two major posts coming up soon...at least I hope I do. Until then I'll do what I can to listen to Guster and "Don't fear the future"; to focus on the now....but when I die, man would I love the chance to do it all over, to do it right-or at least see if I was right in thinking it was right. What's wrong with that?

The Search for Spiritual Sanity

I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm everything I was when I was 16, but I'm 24, and that makes it all the more dangerous. I start with this, because it's possible that what I may write below is because of these overpowering negative emotions, and I may look back at this entry one day and disagree with it entirely.This past week was rough. Brutal was more like it. For the past few years I've been turning to religion and spirituality to help get me through the tough times, to guide me, to give me hope. But now I think I've had enough, or at least need a good break. But of course we don't get a break. It doesn't work like that.Man, how I wish we could though. I'm not sure turning to religion is always the answer. It may even be part of the problem. Obviously I'm having major theological issues, and I think I'm going to use the blog to simply vent.I'll start out small. It greatly irritates me when I'm learning Torah and there's more than one opinion on how a certain event took place. The debate about how old Rivka was when she married Yitzchak, or who exactly was the 70th person to go down to Egypt, or if Pharaoh really didn't remember Yosef. There's a lot of examples. But it seems to me things could only have done one way. And this bothers me. There shouldn't be such uncertainty and discrepancy. But there's nothing I can do, so why think about it? Just push it out of my mind....That way I can focus on these more tantalizing issues.

I don't think I can pray for a while. It's just become monotonous, repetitive, and I feel almost mocked by G-d sometimes. I mean, how many times can you ask for something before you just give up? Or worse, what if you get the opposite of what you wished for? Yes, this may prove to be the best thing in the long run, but how patient are we supposed to be? And is it fair to not be disappointed after over a year of prayer with little or no results?
I have similar issues with the idea of Slichos come Elul. I'm supposed to say slichos, for a week before Rosh Hashanah, then for another week, and then again on Yom Kippur?! That's just too much apologizing if you ask me. If I did something to upset my friend, and I admit that I was wrong and plead for forgiveness, generally I'd be forgiven. And if it was something real bad (say forgetting their birthday or saying you'd pick them up somewhere and forgetting to do so) I may have to try a couple of times. But would I have to plead forgiveness 15 times?! That's a tad much no? And isn't G-d supposed to be the All-Merciful? Also-we say "slach lanu" 3x a day, plus tachnun twice.
Now, I happen to be very hard on myself (more on that soon), and try to keep close track of my sins. When I do sin I try to ask for mechila right away with true intent. So the idea of extra, continuous slichos is just too much for me. I decided this year I just wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to keep begging for forgiveness. I didn't deserve that. I picked about 3 days to go do slichos and that was it. This now leads me to the idea of punishment.
Am I going to be punished for not going to slichos? Or not saying mincha or maariv today? I really don't know. I hope not, but I don't know if it really would make a significant difference. If I had to make a list of everyone I know well, the people I'm close with, and rank them in terms of their level of religious practice, I would probably rank pretty high on the list. But if I then ranked those same people in terms of overall happiness, I would rank rather low on the list. So it would seem that despite all that I do religiously, I may be getting punished by G-d nonetheless. I'm strongly considering not doing a second Seder this year (perhaps the most pointless, unfounded practice we observe). But if I do, I may be punished by G-d and this scares me. In fact, I have either been imbued or simply created within myself a harsh punishment-reward system to everything I do. I hate this. It gives me (possibly) false feelings of entitlement, and makes me afraid when I say Loshon Hara or do some other sin. I don't think I'm punished if I forget to say a bracha when I eat, or don't daven with a minyan, or don't daven at all. But then again I can't be sure, and sometimes I only do a certain mitzvah just to be on the safe side. I hate this too. It feels like the wrong reasoning for my actions. But what's the solution? I may be right. Maybe if I did kiss a girl I wasn't married to I'd be punished in some way. And maybe if I was able to control myself from physical interaction with the same girl G-d would reward me from not giving into 'temptatious sin'.
It would be so nice to be exercised from this mentality, even if it the way the world works. It makes me unhappy, nervous, fearful and disappointed to live my life in this fashion. I just want to be able to relax and grow on my own terms. I know many of the practices of this religion are in order to prevent us from falling, from succombing to sin. But I know myself. I've never done drugs. Rarely drink, never smoke don't mess around with girls, and really try to be good whenever I can. Yet, sometimes I feel like it's not enough. I hate this too. I feel like the only way I'll re rewarded with happiness is if I did everything right. Yet this probably isn't true either. But I try harder at times when things are bad, and sometimes to no avail, and the frustration can be crippling. I can't think of an acceptable answer to free me from my mindset.
A part of me is angry with the Rebbeim in Israel who attempt to modify and alter our views, and ideologies. They can be very convincing, and I'm not saying that I disagree with their teachings. But it may not be for everyone. They preach their creed on a mass level. But there needs to be more sensitivity in regards to the individual. The message can't always be absolute. It won't work for the whole student body, and some boys will be lost or even turned off.
I was never happy spending hours learning. I hated feeling guilty for watching TV or going to a movie. And that is something I've overcome. They try to guide us to spiritual heights, but at the tender, impressionable age of 19. It's all to easy to lose the mentality, to lose the strength that kept one on a sound spiritual plane. And then there's a whole new crop of students these rabbi's have, and the ones from a few years back, who may be even more needy, and even more in danger of totally going off the derech, aren't as significant. These rabbis dont have time for all their current and former talmidim, and so many fall. Some quite hard. Am I one of them? Not really. I always acted independent from the Yeshiva mode. But I do think there are those young men who come to deify certain rebbeim, which is dangerous and will often lead to disappointment. These rabbis just dont have the time some of these young men need. There needs to be a better establishment post-Israel-and not just YU. But I digress from the real point of this blog. My personal issues and idiosyncrasies.
A few months ago I got into the habit of signing my email "Peace and Happiness". I love this. It totally encompasses what I want in my life, and therefore felt like a nice blessing onto others. I truly want peace and happiness in my own life (and I do not feel they are one in the same). But I'm very skeptical that in my present way of thinking I'll even be able to achieve either. This scares me. I feel enslaved by my religion. I want to break free, but I don't I can. I'd probably be punished. Maybe not right away though. It may take a while, and in the back of my head I'd know it was coming. There would be no peace for me. Then the punishment would land, and there may be no happiness. Pretty bleak, huh? Unlikely? Who knows? Possible? Absolutely. So, anyone have a better solution?

My Musical Progression

I think the reason that I've been posting so infrequently the last few months is twofold: 1. Thank G-d I'm more or less at peace in my life and I don't feel the need to vent via the blog 2. I've been writing a lot of fiction and I find it difficult to make the transformation to "real" mode.
Nevertheless this blog has been a long time coming. And it's length should keep you busy for a lil while.

I want to talk about music. I love music. It drives me, inspires me, frustrates me and can-more than anything else in this world-fuel my emotions. The right song can turn a frown to a smile, or simply facilitate the darker times in our lives. As a child the first songs I loved were from Disney movies and from Uncle Moishe. I then got into show tunes thanks to the wonderful drama staff at Camp Raleigh. I was an 8-year-old running around going "Who am I? I'm Jean Veljean!" and "Masquerade! Made up faces on display! Masquerade!", those lyrics might be off but that's how I sang them as a kid. When I was ten I had a counselor obsessed with Madonna- in many disturbing ways now that I think about it. So for months I walked around humming "Rain", "Vogue", and "Papa Don't Preach"- actually I knew the latter tune 'cause when I was six my sister made her own video of that at Universal Studios. Now every piece of music I've mentioned I still enjoy to an extant as an adult. I think some of those Disney Tunes were quite catchy. I believe Uncle Moishe was an excellent way of teaching Torah and Mitzvot to small children, and his songs were quite catchy as well(cmon sing it with me now "Don't walk in front of me I may not follow. Don't walk behind me I may not lead...." I promise you will find yourself humming this sometime in the next 24 hours.) I still think Les Mis is the best Broadway musical ever, and that Phantom is quite good. And Madonna....well I am not ashamed to admit it- she's an incredibly talented musician. She's written some excellent songs (she writes around half her tunes- her brother and Babyface wrote a lot of them as well). I'm not so into the earlier 80's work she did, but I still think "Like a Prayer" is an unbelievable musical piece-and if you can, find Guster's catchy cover of it-more on those Jews later.
As I reached the age of 12 I discovered a new type of music: alternative rock, and this genre, more than any other wrapped its silky web around me. The first alt-rock song I truly enjoyed I then called "The Killer in Me is the Killer in You"- I didn't know who the band was, nor did I mind the lead singers nasal voice. I would sing this song to myself all the time but didn't know whose it was. For my Bar-Mitzvah my wonderful, late uncle got me a few CDS. They were Pearl Jam's Vitology (still their second best album in my opinion), Madonna's Immaculate Collection (he remembered I liked her) and The Breeders Last Splash. I had never heard of the latter bands work, but I came to enjoy them in the coming years. But within a few months of my Bar-Mitzvah I discovered a band called "The Smashing Pumpkins" and I was completely transfixed. I instantly fell in love with "Tonight, Tonight"- its still my favorite song. Then I heard this really angry, adrenaline filled tune I called "Despite All My Rage", and I loved it (of course I later learned its title was "Bullet With Butterfly Wings")! Then I found out that it was also by The Smashing Pumpkins. I couldn't believe one band could make two songs that were so strikingly different. I was beyond impressed. Then I heard 1979- and that sounded nothing like the other two as well! Unbelievable! Such musical range! And then the bomb fell. One Sunday Z100 played a whole Pumpkins block (yes they used to play good music in those days) and that song I liked years ago was playing, "The Killer in Me Is the Killer in You". I then learned it was called "Disarm". That was it. The Smashing Pumpkins were my favorite band. Period. I bought their box set "The Aeroplane Flies High" which contained about 30 unreleased tracks from the Mellon Collie recordings. And most of them were great! That combined with the other 28 songs on the actual album and you had one dumbfounded teenage Jew. I bought their first two albums. I rocked out to "I Am One" , "Today" and "Siva". Chilled to "Daydream", "Luna" and "Soma", and was completely floored by a song called "Mayonnaise" (I know the title blows, but download this song! Trust me! It's a masterpiece!).
I was an angry, depressed teen. Tis the truth. But the Pumpkins music (really Billy Corgans music) supported me through that. I wasn't depressed because of the Pumpkins, but I felt that the band got what I was feeling. They balanced me. Mellon Collie was melancholie, but it was also beautiful, angry, despondent, and incredibly harmonic. It rang true in my ears, and is still the best album of all time in my opinion. Sure I loved Pink Floyd, Metallica, Ozzy, Live, Bush, Pearl Jam, The Cranberries, The Doors and loads of other bands but for me it was the Pumpkins.

Is anyone not named Josh Becker still reading? If so then thanks for sticking around, I am getting to some important points.
When I was 19 the anger started to subside- but I still loved the Pumpkins. However I was introduced by some great friends named Oren and Josh to their favorite band, Guster. At first I was apprehensive, some of the songs were a lil "sissy-like" to me. Then they told me the whole band was Jewish, and I thought that was cool. Driving down the streets of L.A. I heard a tune called "Barrel of A Gun" and it rocked, but in a melodic way. Then a slow ballad cam on. The first time I heard "Either Way" my heart melted. It was a slow beautiful tune that had an incredible build up, and had the potential to rock the house. The type of song a whole camp would sing at once (Which they did at Hillel in 2001- I was general. I used Guster. The song went down as legend :) I bought Guster's "Lost and Gone Forever" and I truly believe it is THE BEST album released between the years of 1995 and 2002. The Pumpkins had broken up. I had bought every Guster album (there were three at that point, now there's 6 including the live one), and they became my new fav's. NOTE- THE PUMPKINS HAVE GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER!!! So things will get complicated :)

Now to the real stuff. The point, if you will. It's fascinating how our musical tastes don't so much change as they are altered. They evolve. I realize now that I am a fan of melody. I like the type of song its fun to sing or hum along with. You could do that with Uncle Moishe, Les Mis, Madonna as well as with the Pumpkins and Guster (Guster is the most fun to sing along with). Fancy guitar playing and complicated songs and pieces just don't do it for me. Listen to some of Bachs works. They're impressive, but they don't really resonate. It's hard to find a motif. Listen to Guster's "Amsterdam" and there's a good chance you'll be walking around later going "Gonna write you a letter, gonna write you a book" and wont even realize it. Guster was the first band other than the Pumpkins that I enjoyed 99% of their songs.
Since getting into Guster my musical taste has matured again. Now I find myself loving the work of contemporary artists like Keane, Tom McRae, Except Saturday, Joshua Radin, Snow Patrol, and the magnificent Sufjan Stevens. I don't think I would have liked any one of these bands 10 years ago. I hadnt lived enough.
These musicians are all combined by the incredible passion they have in their songs. That's what I dig about them. But they all have wonderful melodies and musical arrangements (the Cello on Mcraes work in breathtaking). But ten years ago my ears wouldn't have been ready for such tunes. I've been recently getting into Bob Dylan and I'm amazed. His songs are poetry (ironically it was a poem called "Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie" by Dylan that got me listening to more of his tunes). His music is complicated at times, simple at others, but always vibes well. His voice is awful, true, but heres something I believe: The three greatest "Rock n Roll" songwriters in history- not musicians, singers, performers- songwriters, are Bob Dylan, Billy Corgan and Rav Shlomoh Carlbach. OK you might be laughing at that but I'll strengthen my point. Dylan is a no brainer, everyone from Joan Baez, to Jimmie, to Neil Young, to Dave Mathews, to Howie Day has used his songs. I think "All Along the Watchtower" is the best song ever written. I believe this because I've heard 7 versions of it and each one is different and remarkable- but they're all the same song (I could write a whole blog on Watchtower, but I'll just say that Dave's version with Santana is probably the best). The point I'm making is that even though Dylan doesn't sing well others do, and they make his songs true gifts.The same goes for Corgan and Carlbach. Now Corgan's works are infinetly more complicated than Rav Shlomoh's, but that's just how he layered them. Look what Soulfarm has done to the Rav's work. That's impressive stuff. And for Corgan. He has written every possible type of rock song: alt, metal, progressive, punk, deathmetal, trans-pop, folk, grunge, synth-you name it. Imagine someone like Amy Lee singing his songs and youll understand where the respect comes from (or download Evanescence's cover of "Zero" or Scarecrow Adams cover of "Stand Inside Your Love").
Now while I'm in my car I listen to those new artists I mentioned above (and Sufjan's "Chicago" IS my #1 happy song :) but when I put my Ipod on shuffle and a Pumpkins song comes up that Billy wrote 15 years ago I'm floored and amazed. But I hear the melody. I hear the passion. And I know, no matter where my musical tastes take me in the coming years I will always be in debt and awed by Corgan and the Smashing Pumpkins.

A New Point of View

It's nice admitting when you're wrong. Seriously it is. It shows a certain amount of growth and imbue's us with a stronger sense of modesty. I meant to write this blog over a month ago but I've just been busy, unmotivated and focusing on "real" writing for school. You may or may not remember my previous blogs discussing my views on shidduch dating. To briefly sum them up: I wasn't for them. I felt it took the romance out of dating. It seemed to orchestrated, too industrial, too governed. I had this opinion because a) I'm a hopeful fool and b) Every date I ever had never spawned a second. Finally it happened. Around two months ago my Rebbe calls me up and says he has a girl that's "for you. Trust me, she's for you". Of course I was incredibly skeptical. If I'd learned anything from history it's that my dates don't go well. But I did trust my Rav- he does know me quite well, and more importantly knows what type of women I'm into (plus he rarely calls me with a shiduch possibility). I figured, what the hell? I spoke to the girl on the phone a bunch of times and it went really really well (too well perhaps). We set a time and place to meet (and for the record, I had no idea what she looked like- talk about a pair of beysim huh?). She showed up. We met. Everything was still a go. We ended walking around the city for 4 hours. It was a great night. I'll take out all the substance and overall description that I could fuse into this and just say that we ended up going out 4 times and then it ended (I won't go into the reasonings for that-not the doing of this post). Don't worry, I'm fine. But the real point is that I realized something incredibly important: the whole "How We Met Story" isn't nearly as important as Hollywood makes it out to be. Sure it's always enlifting when we hear a story about 2 people going horse-back riding down the beach, and when their horses pass the girl is thrown from hers and the guy catches her and they live happily ever after. But of course that's crap. Or at least unlikely crap. (Theres also unlikely non-crap, like "The Notebook", as well as likely non-crap like "When Harry Met Sally"- minus the end where Billy Crystal is running through Manhattan on New Years Eve).
The truth that I realized is that a great beginning is incredibly minor to a real relationship. It's everything that comes after that really matters. How you get along, do you have similar goals, can you rely on each other, do you wake up in the morning happy to be with them, can you function together and help each other grow. These are the things that really matter.
I get the whole idea of the "Hunt", and how it's exciting to win a girl over. But that can still be done with a set-up, there's just a lil less surprise at the onset. Dates 2,3,4,5, etc... can still have high doses of romance and intrigue.
There's really no shame in being set-up, especially when it's done by someone you trust. Around the same time I was set by my Rav, I actually set up 2 of friends who had never met. It felt like a crazy but compelling and fitting match, and as it turns out it was (so far blee eyen hora). They weren't opposed to being set-up, in fact they were all for it (I was sitting next to the girl at a wedding and she asked if I knew anyone for her. I took out the phone, went through the names and it was right there- I called him up 10 minutes later, and you get the idea).
Yom Kippur came around- I had a truly invigorating davening. And at the end of it I was at peace with myself. The week before I was a bit of a mess, but then everything seemed to click. It was as if I was a lone tree caught in the middle of a tornado, but the calm settled in, and I was still standing. So now I have peace of mind, I can't say that I'm truly happy in life, but things are good, and for that I'm thankful. And I'm even open to the idea of being set up again.....so long as I see a picture :)

Happiness....In Loving Memory.....

It's been a while. Things have been up and down, and today, unfortunately, they are very down. I was seeing someone for the last few weeks, and it was very, very intense. She was beautiful, witty, modest and completely intriguing. I was scared, but I was happy. We shared a great deal with each other. I put myself out there, and so did she. It seemed real. I could write more about it, but it's probably futile to do so since it's now over. She ended it.... of course. I suspected she would from the get go- though I tend to always expect the worst in any positive situation, that way when the worst does indeed occur im better prepared. The sad thing is that this actually works. I'm down right now, but I'd be a lot worse if I wasn't better prepared for this. I'm also feeling a great deal of guilt and confusion.
My uncle was murdered five years ago today. He was 35, single, no kids, the smartest man I've ever known and I miss him like crazy. Today should be about him, his memory. Yet, I'm so depressed about this breakup and my mind and emotions are torn. I've never been to Ground Zero. But now I work downtown and today I'm going to go and say tehillim. It's so ironic that if my uncle were alive he and I would be getting lunch today-his treat- and he'd help cheer me up. I've spent a lot of time wishing he didn't go to work that day, wishing I'd had the one talk with him I never had the courage to even attempt, wishing I didn't go see REM alone, wishing he didn't die. But I think I need to be realistically harsh and say "whats the point?" I can't change anything about the past. No one can. What's done is done. I'll continue the cliche's by saying that all I can do is change my future. The truth is that part of me really thinks I can make this relationship work, though another part of me knows for sure that it's done. It seemed so right a week ago, and now it seems so foreign, so lost. Maybe I can find it. There's an excellent chance I won't succeed. But I've come to realize something about myself. Everyone says that in order to be happy in a relationship you have to be happy with yourself. I think that's true but not absolute. I've only been truly happy in relationships. I've been more motivated and successful with someone else in my life than when I'm alone. For me I think the best I can hope for is being "ok" with myself. Same ol', same ol'. I know that I can't be truly happy alone, which is a very harrowing and frustrating realization. But I like to think that it's the same for a lot of people, and they either don't admit it or don't realize it about themselves. So we're back to "square one"- I hate this place. I don't want to stay here long. I want out. But it's really not up to me. Life works in waves. You have your ups and your downs, and things just flow. So I'll just have to rely on my ever growing attribute of patience and put my faith in the only One.
I'd just like to end off by speaking about my uncle. He had a hard life, and was lost for many years. But in his last few years he got it all together and was a huge success. We were all so proud of him, but no one was surprised. He was a true genius. No one ever doubted that. He would do quantum physic equations for fun, just to challenge himself. But by no means was he a complete dork. He knew his rock n roll and had a excellent music collection. I credit him for much of my taste and interest in music, and I would never have become the Simpsons freak I am had I not been trying to impress him. I hope to attain the wonderful midot he had. His bayn adam lichaveiro was remarkable. He was naturally kind, soft spoken, generous and humble. The entire world is at a loss not having him here- who knows what wonderful inventions he could have created to better mankind?
We are all going to lose many of the people we love. It's a horrible truth of life. But it's truly tragic when we lose them so young, and even more awful when they are taken from us by acts of hatred and violence. I miss you dude. I could use your advise right now, but I hope I make you proud.