Something Good

I said I had planned on posting two major blogs, and I'm very happy to say that this is the first.

My friends "Jake" and "Alison" got engaged this past Thursday night. They met five months ago. I set them up. I'm overflowing with emotions.
At first I was incredibly happy and excited for my friends, and even though I'm not especially happy in my life these days there was so much joy-pure and wholesome- emanating from them that I kind of absorbed a little bit of it myself, if only for one night. Yet the most prevalent emotion going through my head was the sense of accomplishment. I felt like I finally did something important in my life, something good. I thought to myself "If I died today would my life have really meant anything? Would I have really done anything? Really made any sort of difference?" Then I said "Yes, I set up Jake and Alison." Two people are truly happy right now, and I like thinking that I helped make that happen. But I really cant give myself too much credit. It's very possible the two of them would have met on their own, and it's not like I went on any of the dates or gave helpful hints like "She likes an upper neck massage" or "Don't say you like Nickelback" or "Try to keep the flatulence to a minimum". All I did was go through the names on my phone, think that Jake might actually be right for Alison, make a call and the rest is all them. But at the very least I did recognize before anyone else did that these two people could really work. So for that I have a sense of success, but that makes me depressed.....It's a little sad that this ranks so high on my list of accomplishments. But it's the only thing I felt I'd be remembered for in 20 years if I died today. I guess I just have to try harder to make my dreams come true. Not that theres anything wrong with being remembered for the set-up, it's just I hope I can do more.
Another emotion I felt was envy. But it was not the atypical "I wish it was me getting engaged", I honestly didn't think that once, and still haven't felt it. I was actually kind of (pleasantly)surprised by that actually. My envy was similar to this though, but focused on the fact that I started dating someone the same time Jake and Alison began their courtship. I had a very irritating dream in which I was given the following choice: only one of us would end up making it as a couple, but I had to choose which. I hated this dream and how it plagued me. It shouldn't have, but it did. I don't know who I would have picked if faced with a real life choice. I wanted to be an altruist, but altruism shouldn't have to incorporate self-sacrifice. I did set that couple up, and they are good friends of mine so I wanted them to be happy, but I also wanted to be with this girl. Then I thought, "Well they're both really awesome, attractive, funny people who date a lot...I'm sure they'll find other people....I on the other hand...." But then I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was being. After I broke up with the girl 4 weeks later I felt oddly relieved, as if I somehow made the noble choice, but I think I just thought this to help myself feel better. I never actually made that choice. Now I guess my envy lies in the fact that they're relationship worked out whereas mine didn't (which IS different than me being envious of their engagement). I am somewhat ashamed by this, and maybe shouldn't admit it in such a fashion, but I feel it's important to be truthful here in order to gain a better perspective on myself when reading this blog in the future.
I've also come to realize that there's a good chance I won't be able to attend their wedding. They've scheduled it when I fill be in California for work. It will incredibly difficult and expensive for me to fly there and back to see their nuptials. I really want to be there, but I really don't know if it's worth my boss being irritated/disappointed with me, the staff beneath me being resentful for taking more time off than technically allowed, to miss a key part of my job where I'm needed more than other days, and expenses heading somewhere north of $1000. Or maybe all that stuff IS worth it in the end? Blee Eyen Hora they'll only be getting married once. I really don't know what to do. No matter how I look at it, this is a lose-lose situation. It's bitterly ironic that even in something so wonderful as this, a match that I helped make happen, there is this underbelly of frustration and unhappiness. I know that I will be so pissed if I miss their wedding, but also know that I will not fully enjoy it because of all the reasons I mentioned above. Oh well, I guess I can worry more about this as the day approaches.
Right now I want to go celebrate with my friends. I want to do my best to stay humble when people say to me "So I hear this is your doing?" I won't lie that it's great hearing that, and yet I feel oddly uncomfortable. I get a bit embarrassed, a bit it envious, and a bit defensive even. I want to say that it was all the hand of G-d, that I really didn't do anything. But people might think I was weird. (Which I most certainly am of course). I also don't want to bring G-d into it because then I get filled with a (false?) sense of entitlement. I want to yell out "C'mon G-d!! Look what I did! I helped bring them together! And You just keep taking the girls I really like away from me and make me hurt girls I'm not interested in! It's not fair dammmit! You owe me for this! I shouldn't be alone anymore!" That's pretty horrible, huh? I'm ashamed to write it, but I can't deny that I feel it, so in the blog it goes. So much for altruism (I do think that if I did have someone, then I could be completely altruistic in these matters-I really do.)
Well I have to get going to their engagement party. I'm going to smile, drink, be humble when people "praise" me and have a great time. I love them both, and despite my whacked out ideosycracies and slight dementia, at the end I'm just happy for them, proud that I helped and going to let the negative subside and bask in the happiness of Jake and Alison.

Don't Fear The Future

The Hopeful Fool. That's what I call myself. It seems kind of silly sometimes. Yet, it does echo a sort of truth about who I am. Or at least how I perceive myself.
I'm in Boston now staying at a friends place. I love this city. It's full of history and attitude. Every time I come here it seems colder than the last. I hate the cold, detest it, but despite the freeze that always accompanies my trips here, I always feel slightly inspired and somewhat at peace. It rekindles my hope. Which I probably need more than ever. I'm spending a dangerous amount of time lately "living" in the past. I go over many key moments in my life-from age 9 and onward-and imagine things going differently; what I now believe to be the right or better choice. And things always turn out better in my head, of course. Groundhog Day is one of my two favorite movies of all time, and its about a guy who keeps reliving the same day over and over until he gets it right. I love that concept. Heck I even love the concept of Mr. Destiny, and that's a frickin Jim Belushi movie (an angel shows him how his life would have been if one key event went differently....and of course he sees that things were better as they were and he should just be happy with what he has). I'm completely fixated on scenarios like this. Going back and preventing myself from doing many of the foolish, stupid things I've done. It's a nice idea, but unfortunately there are certain mistakes I've made that I suffered from more than I grew from. Here's some hyperbole to prove my point: a man might have a desperate crack addiction, so much so that he kills another man one night for crack. He goes to jail the rest of his life. In jail he gets off the drugs and actually matures and sees the real way to live his life, but it's too late: he's in jail. Now this IS hyperbole, but it's still true. I think about death, and the after life. I hope, even pray, that when one dies he gets to look at his entire life on DVD and actually enter any moment and live it over, acting with the knowledge of how things worked out the first time. Like, maybe if I knew writing in wet cement was a form of vandalism when I was 11 my father wouldn't have gone berserk on me. Maybe I would have had the courage to kiss that girl when I was 14 and my teen years wouldn't have so depressing. Maybe I could have sucked it up and not been such a damn trouble-maker in Israel when I was 18...or least been a more respectful one. I can't stop thinking about these scenarios and others. I space out at times. I've become a true daydreamer....and it has to stop. I know it. It's unhealthy, and I don't think anything good can come from it. It's important to get away sometimes. Having time to myself in Boston has helped me realize that some changes need to be made, that I essentially need a rebirth. But it's hard. Cause that would mean I would have to focus on reality, on the present, and the prospect of the future. And I'll tell you this: I imagine what my life will be like in 10 years and I'm absolutely terrified. This is an awful thing: Fearing the future. This is why I'm dwelling in the past. But change HAS to come. If it doesn't, I'm doomed. This isn't hyperbole. I'm going to slip further and further into my daydreams, into the past, and I think I might slowly lose a slight grip on reality. That may SOUND crazy, but it FEELS true. I think that I'm going to have two major posts coming up soon...at least I hope I do. Until then I'll do what I can to listen to Guster and "Don't fear the future"; to focus on the now....but when I die, man would I love the chance to do it all over, to do it right-or at least see if I was right in thinking it was right. What's wrong with that?

The Search for Spiritual Sanity

I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm everything I was when I was 16, but I'm 24, and that makes it all the more dangerous. I start with this, because it's possible that what I may write below is because of these overpowering negative emotions, and I may look back at this entry one day and disagree with it entirely.This past week was rough. Brutal was more like it. For the past few years I've been turning to religion and spirituality to help get me through the tough times, to guide me, to give me hope. But now I think I've had enough, or at least need a good break. But of course we don't get a break. It doesn't work like that.Man, how I wish we could though. I'm not sure turning to religion is always the answer. It may even be part of the problem. Obviously I'm having major theological issues, and I think I'm going to use the blog to simply vent.I'll start out small. It greatly irritates me when I'm learning Torah and there's more than one opinion on how a certain event took place. The debate about how old Rivka was when she married Yitzchak, or who exactly was the 70th person to go down to Egypt, or if Pharaoh really didn't remember Yosef. There's a lot of examples. But it seems to me things could only have done one way. And this bothers me. There shouldn't be such uncertainty and discrepancy. But there's nothing I can do, so why think about it? Just push it out of my mind....That way I can focus on these more tantalizing issues.

I don't think I can pray for a while. It's just become monotonous, repetitive, and I feel almost mocked by G-d sometimes. I mean, how many times can you ask for something before you just give up? Or worse, what if you get the opposite of what you wished for? Yes, this may prove to be the best thing in the long run, but how patient are we supposed to be? And is it fair to not be disappointed after over a year of prayer with little or no results?
I have similar issues with the idea of Slichos come Elul. I'm supposed to say slichos, for a week before Rosh Hashanah, then for another week, and then again on Yom Kippur?! That's just too much apologizing if you ask me. If I did something to upset my friend, and I admit that I was wrong and plead for forgiveness, generally I'd be forgiven. And if it was something real bad (say forgetting their birthday or saying you'd pick them up somewhere and forgetting to do so) I may have to try a couple of times. But would I have to plead forgiveness 15 times?! That's a tad much no? And isn't G-d supposed to be the All-Merciful? Also-we say "slach lanu" 3x a day, plus tachnun twice.
Now, I happen to be very hard on myself (more on that soon), and try to keep close track of my sins. When I do sin I try to ask for mechila right away with true intent. So the idea of extra, continuous slichos is just too much for me. I decided this year I just wasn't going to do it. I wasn't going to keep begging for forgiveness. I didn't deserve that. I picked about 3 days to go do slichos and that was it. This now leads me to the idea of punishment.
Am I going to be punished for not going to slichos? Or not saying mincha or maariv today? I really don't know. I hope not, but I don't know if it really would make a significant difference. If I had to make a list of everyone I know well, the people I'm close with, and rank them in terms of their level of religious practice, I would probably rank pretty high on the list. But if I then ranked those same people in terms of overall happiness, I would rank rather low on the list. So it would seem that despite all that I do religiously, I may be getting punished by G-d nonetheless. I'm strongly considering not doing a second Seder this year (perhaps the most pointless, unfounded practice we observe). But if I do, I may be punished by G-d and this scares me. In fact, I have either been imbued or simply created within myself a harsh punishment-reward system to everything I do. I hate this. It gives me (possibly) false feelings of entitlement, and makes me afraid when I say Loshon Hara or do some other sin. I don't think I'm punished if I forget to say a bracha when I eat, or don't daven with a minyan, or don't daven at all. But then again I can't be sure, and sometimes I only do a certain mitzvah just to be on the safe side. I hate this too. It feels like the wrong reasoning for my actions. But what's the solution? I may be right. Maybe if I did kiss a girl I wasn't married to I'd be punished in some way. And maybe if I was able to control myself from physical interaction with the same girl G-d would reward me from not giving into 'temptatious sin'.
It would be so nice to be exercised from this mentality, even if it the way the world works. It makes me unhappy, nervous, fearful and disappointed to live my life in this fashion. I just want to be able to relax and grow on my own terms. I know many of the practices of this religion are in order to prevent us from falling, from succombing to sin. But I know myself. I've never done drugs. Rarely drink, never smoke don't mess around with girls, and really try to be good whenever I can. Yet, sometimes I feel like it's not enough. I hate this too. I feel like the only way I'll re rewarded with happiness is if I did everything right. Yet this probably isn't true either. But I try harder at times when things are bad, and sometimes to no avail, and the frustration can be crippling. I can't think of an acceptable answer to free me from my mindset.
A part of me is angry with the Rebbeim in Israel who attempt to modify and alter our views, and ideologies. They can be very convincing, and I'm not saying that I disagree with their teachings. But it may not be for everyone. They preach their creed on a mass level. But there needs to be more sensitivity in regards to the individual. The message can't always be absolute. It won't work for the whole student body, and some boys will be lost or even turned off.
I was never happy spending hours learning. I hated feeling guilty for watching TV or going to a movie. And that is something I've overcome. They try to guide us to spiritual heights, but at the tender, impressionable age of 19. It's all to easy to lose the mentality, to lose the strength that kept one on a sound spiritual plane. And then there's a whole new crop of students these rabbi's have, and the ones from a few years back, who may be even more needy, and even more in danger of totally going off the derech, aren't as significant. These rabbis dont have time for all their current and former talmidim, and so many fall. Some quite hard. Am I one of them? Not really. I always acted independent from the Yeshiva mode. But I do think there are those young men who come to deify certain rebbeim, which is dangerous and will often lead to disappointment. These rabbis just dont have the time some of these young men need. There needs to be a better establishment post-Israel-and not just YU. But I digress from the real point of this blog. My personal issues and idiosyncrasies.
A few months ago I got into the habit of signing my email "Peace and Happiness". I love this. It totally encompasses what I want in my life, and therefore felt like a nice blessing onto others. I truly want peace and happiness in my own life (and I do not feel they are one in the same). But I'm very skeptical that in my present way of thinking I'll even be able to achieve either. This scares me. I feel enslaved by my religion. I want to break free, but I don't I can. I'd probably be punished. Maybe not right away though. It may take a while, and in the back of my head I'd know it was coming. There would be no peace for me. Then the punishment would land, and there may be no happiness. Pretty bleak, huh? Unlikely? Who knows? Possible? Absolutely. So, anyone have a better solution?