Close Encounter of the Uncomfortable Kind

It finally happened. I ran into HER....with another guy....looking really good.....looking really happy.....looking completely past me.....and you know what? Screw it.
I look back at the very first blog I wrote and I really want to go back in time and just kick that guy in the crotch.....hard....with a jackboot.....in the winter. Or maybe that would be the exact opposite as to what that guy needed, which is a pair of beysim. I don't like that Fool at all. I worked so damn hard not to be him, but I think a part of him will always be waiting in the wings- I just need to put a cage around him, and I think I may have done it.
A year ago if I ran into her my stomach would have completely dropped to my knees and I honestly think I might have fainted. But Thank G-d I didn't feel anything like that tonight. I just felt shocked, and a bit saddened, and maybe a little hurt that she walked right by without saying hi (I was writing a text message and only saw her at the last possible second). That stung a bit. But maybe I deserved it. Maybe not. Who knows? And you know what? Who cares. I saw her and I realized that I do miss her, I miss talking and laughing with her. But I also miss talking with my uncle, and sharing a joke with him, and trading music. And he's dead. I can't change that. And though She is alive (BH), the truth is that she's dead too. Until TechIyat Hamaytim G'W.
I know it's a cliche but even when we're through with the past that doesn't mean it's through with us. A million different thoughts and memories filled my head. The pain came flooding back. The relief hovered above me like a friendly cloud on a scorching day. Where five minutes earlier I felt good about my life, after the walk by I felt somewhat alone (although ironically I was with a female friend who is engaged so I wonder is She saw my friends ring and thought we were engaged, lol). I started to hate myself for feeling like that. I also couldn't ignore the fear of never loving again. But I have to cap all that emotional stuff. It can be great and it can be beautiful, but the truth is that it is unbelievably dangerous. The truth is that She didn't nearly destroy me, I did it to myself. I glorified and over-romantisized the reality. Things weren't good, and hadn't been for a few months. It had to end. But that doesn't mean the feelings go away. I know now that maybe they never will. So you just have to suck it up and deal. Move on, and don't become a pathetic loser (not that I ever was of course- I was just victoriously challenged.....I think I misused that word, so now I sound like I'm spectacularly retarded...greeatttt).
I'll admit it: I ran back to Israel to get over her. And you know what? It worked. It worked real well. I didn't fall in love with any girls there, but I did fall in love with the land, and for that I'm eternally grateful. I grew. I changed. I improved. And I came back and my beysim were like iron. I didn't need a kick in the crotch, it wouldn't do anything. I will not allow myself to fall gain, to be pathetic, forlorn or in despair. Yes, I still wonder if I'll ever meet someone else I'm capable of having that type of intense relationship with. But things are truly great with me and I cannot forget that. In fact I think that's why G-d but her in my path tonight. I was getting cocky and arrogant about my life. Let's face it: just about everything was going my way (I mean two radio contests in one day?!). I needed a reality check, and HE gave me one. As good as things have been it is so important to remember how awful they were, how close I was to doing many things I'd regret for the rest of my life. I need to say thank you more. I need to stay humble. I need to keep smiling.
This summer is going to be magical (BEH). I'll be with my oldest, and closest friend who I can't believe I get to spend another summer with one more time (we first met in camp when we were 9 :) I'll be with three other awesome friends. I'll be in Spain. I'll be in France and Italy. I'll be in The Holy Land. And I get paid to do what I love. I'm a pretty lucky guy.
Next year can be magnificent. I'm going to be writing fiction again. The band will take off. And I'll be smiling. There is no choice. I promised myself that I would never fall like that again. I won't. I will be smiling.


Oh and Howie Day was awesome!! I was right in front of the stage! (And yes I know its insanely ironic that if I hadn't won those tickets I never would have run into her.)

Luck of The Yiddish

OK, so it's been a while? What can I say, I just haven't had the time or the drive to blog. I suppose I could have written on how I decided I wouldn't date from shavous till after the summer, or how I simply won't be set up until further notice (I'm confident enough these days to ask out girls straight up if I'm interested) , but I chose not to. However this morning my luck was so sensational that I feel that I have little choice in posting this blog to record this historic idea and to give a public thank you to Him.
Those of you who know me are aware that I've gotten very into Keane over the last few months. They're only playing one show in the tri-state area and it happens to, of course, be Friday night (as is the only Guster show I'd be able to attend this summer). However, they are having a free in store signing and mini-show Friday at 1:oo pm, but you basically have to wait on line for 6 hours to get in. Back in 2000 I waited on line for a very similar show for 8 hours to see the Pumpkins. Now this was totally worth it....back then. Now I don't think I could justify missing a half day of work and getting up at 5 am to see Keane. Yet there was another way to get into the show: winning tickets off of 95.5 wplj. All weekend I had my radio on trying to get through, trying to be caller 25. This morning I got through. This morning I was caller 25. I answered the easy question about the band (naming there first album "Hopes and Fears"), and this morning I won VIP tickets to the show, a signed copy of there new album and a chance to meet them as well. I was totally pumped. BH I've been lucky in my life at winning tickets off of the radio. I've won seats to Les Mis and to see the band LIVE. So this my third big win. I immediately called the blogs #1 fan, Mr. Josh Becker-the man who got me into Keane, and offered him the other ticket, after all if not for him I wouldn't be the Keane fan that I am. He was very grateful and I'm very excited to share the experience with him. Now if that was the end of my luck this morning it would be perfectly swell, heck it be gee willicker wonderful.....but wait there's more!!
As much as I enjoy Keane I love Howie Day even more (for those of you keeping track, my top 5 bands in existence are: 1. The Smashing Pumpkins (new album this fall!!!!!!smile politely!!!) 2. Those Melodic Jews known as Guster 3. You mean you've never heard of Except Saturday (www.exceptsaturday.com) 4. Mr. Howard Day and of course number 5. William Hung).
Howie hasn't scheduled a tour this summer....but he is doing a private up close and personal Concert next week at the China Club. The ONLY way to win tickets: win off of PLJ. The problem is that one cannot win two contests in a month under the laws of the radio station. So I called my brother and got his social security # so I could pretend to be him if I got lucky. An hour later the tickets went up for grabs. You had to be caller 24 this time and name the amusement park in "National Lampoons Vacation", a question way too simple for someone like me. Now, work has been pretty crazy lately and I've been asking a nice young girl from another department to help out, and she's been doing a great job. Today I basically needed her all day so she was sitting right next to me when the tickets went up. I manned one phone, and gave her the other when it started to ring. I told her that if she got through to say "Wallyworld" and that I'd go with her to the show. Amazingly she got through!! They asked her the question again, I mouthed "Wallyworld", she said it (though it sounded like she asked it) and we won!!! She was so excited, having never won a radio contest before. I was about to faint. TWO contests to two shows I was dying to see IN THE SAME MORNING!!!!??? What are the odds of that?!?!?! BH!!! The only sad part was when she called her fiance, who likes Howie Day, and had to explain why she couldn't take him to the show (hey, fair is fair- she had no clue about Wally World). But he works nights so it's all good.
So in summation: Friday-Keane, Tuesday- Howie Day: The Hopeful Fool- One Lucky Son of a....couple of Jews.