Rockbottom

It's the end of March. The last two months of your life have been, well, strange and sordid, to say the least. You've been, angry and/or apathetic, wanting to just get away and turn away from yourself. Why? Well, because things weren't supposed to be this way. Everything's all wrong. You just turned 23 last week, and you sure as hell are not supposed to be here. But where exactly is "here" you ask? Why, you're in the heart of Boston waiting on line to get into a skeezy club for their "Ultimate Purim Bash". You've been betrayed by the idea that it's Spring. It's damn cold out and you're standing on line freezing your behind off, trying to stand as close to your large friend, and his equally large pal, hoping they'll obsorb most of the windchill. You look around at the people waiting on line. A lot of them don't look Jewish...unless there are large Asian and Indian (in the Hindu sense) Jewish communities in Boston you don't know about. And even if they are, they must be doing a horrible job in preaching tznius.
You're still a good 20 minutes from the door and start to think. "What have you been doin the last 2 months guy? This isn't you. You know it's not you.C'mon get in a cab and go back to the apartment and get your car, and call it a night. It ends here." You dismiss this intrusion of consciousness, and rub your hands together, trying to keep them warm. Ahead, a bunch of high school kids who don't have ID are not allowed into the club.They start a ruckus, but the manitee-like bouncer asserts himself and they quickly leave. A gust of wind hits you hard and rips past your button-down shirt, through your wife beater, and right into your chest. "Oh cm'n! Give me one good reason to stay here!" You tell yourself that if you leave, your friends will think that your judging them. This is something you've been working on: not judging people. Maybe you've been too hard or condemning of some friends who weren't leading lifestyles you approved of. If you leave now you might be reverting. You don't like the idea of that. Coming back from a friends birthday party last week (which was at a bar, of course- what ever happened to parties at bowling alley's and movie theaters?) one of your closer friends has told you that the "new" you was more "fun" and "easy going", and you took this is as complement(well the latter part at least), but oddly responded that that you didn't feel that this way the "real you", and that deep down you know you want to be someone else, but that right now it's too hard.

Back on the line. Ten people to go and you're there. You see a girl up ahead you thought was cute over Shabbos. Earlier in the day she was dressed for the spring, wearing a nice white skirt with flowers on it, and a light blue blouse that was the perfect blend of tznius and sexy. You've always been more attracted to girls who dress more tzniusly. To be demure is to be alluring. Now 7 hours later, and 17 degrees cooler, she's wearing tightass ass pants (there they are again!), and a low-cut leopard like half-top (or something like that, your not really sure of the name), with cleavage to match. "That's a damn shame", you think, and your attraction to her is no more. And there you are again, making a judgment of someone you just met. But there's no time to dwell on that because finally you're at the door! The moment of truth has arrived. It's your last chance. Stay or go? Is one right and one wrong? Is there really a choice? Admittedly a part of you does want to leave, but in the end you don't want to let your friends down (or so you tell yourself) and decide to go in. Fortunately while all your other friends have to pay an insulting $20 entrance fee, you manage to get in for free. You've always been good and getting in for free, and there's no reason not to here.
Inside it looks like something out of the Matrix Zion-dance scene in either the second or third film (both so awful, you've tried to erase them from your memory). "This is what S'dom must have been like", you half-joke to yourself. You see some people you know dancing, and at first you want to cry. "This is a to celebrate Purim! This is how we show our thanks to G-d!" No, you won't allow yourself to think that way. You meet up with your friends who aren't dancing. You smell a hint of marijuana in the air, and it upsets you, triggering memories you'd rather forget. Then on cue, some dude offers you a hit. This isn't the first time you've been offered drugs, and it won't be the last. You're more tempted now than you've ever been. In the past it was much easier. You never wanted to be "that kind of guy". You think maybe a quick hit will shut yourself up and let you enjoy the night. Yet, you decide not to. You're not really sure why, but in many ways you are. Maybe it's because you just caught sight of the girl your technically still "involved" with. She's very nice,cute, understanding,thinks way too highly of you than she should, and you're 100% sure it's never going to happen between the two of you. She can tell something's wrong (she's also much smarter than you), and asks. You say that your OK, and that it's just a little loud in the club. She asks you if you'd like a drink. You tell her you just had a Sky Blue (and you are not ashamed of this) and aren't thirsty. She asks if you'd like to dance, and you decline. You say that you're thinking of leaving soon. She retorts that you just got here, and it'd be a waste of 20 bucks. You say you didn't pay but that you guess you'll hang around a little more. She says she'll check up on you in a bit and to cheer up. She goes back to dance, and you can't help but look on disapprovingly, but once more you fight off this inclination.
You run into two guys you haven't seen in about 2 years. You used to be their dorm counselor, and they knew you as "The Guy". You're downright ashamed that they see you in this place. "Guy!", they shout. You hug, ask how they're doing and know what question is coming next. Nearly every guy from back then has asked it in some way. Sure enough the shorter one inanely says, "So, you here with your wife?" You knew it was coming, were prepared for it, and have been dealing with it for over a year. But whenever someone asks "Are you married?", "Weren't you supposed to be getting engaged?" etc... It still hurts a bit, and yet you feel some relief at the same time. You tell the guys that you never got married. The one that asked looks embarrassed and the other guy (who has clearly been drinking) laughs at him and says "Way to make a jackass out of yourself dude!" You tell him it's OK, and not to worry about it, "Seriously you didn't know. It's cool", you say, doing your best to alleviate his embarassment. You tell them to take care and all the best...
You wander off to the side. You've been here for exactly 15 minutes as the clock on your phone tells you. You are not happy. You look around, but not only do you look, you see. You see all the wrong in the room. You see the slutty women, exposing as much flesh as legally possibly. You see the sleazy guys trying as hard as they can to be cool and hopefully "get some". You see alcohol and drugs being used as devices of escape and seduction. You see your life, and where you are, and you're starting to see what you have to do. Fortunately you also hear. You love music, always have, and whatever they're playing in this club isn't it. It's a synth beat, with a bass so heavy you feel your teeth vibrate at every hit. You feel gross, and just have to get out of there. You find your buddy you came with and tell him that you're out. He asks why, and you simply say "this isn't my thing". He understands ( he was surprised you were coming in the first place). He's a good friend, and knows you well. You might have disagreements on life-styles, but know you can always count on each other.He wishes you a goodnight, and you wish him one in return. You give each other a man hug (clapping your right hands together, closing in on the chest, and patting each other on the back twice with the left hand). You go say goodnight to some other "friends" you have there, knowing full well that as nice as they are, they're just not the type of people you can really be friends with- at least not right now. You find that girl and tell her you're leaving if she wants a ride, but that you need to take a cab back to your buddy's apartment to pick up your car. She's indecisive. She is concerned for you, and does want to go with you, but doesn't want to leave her friends. You tell her it's more than OK if she stays. After some more back and forth she agrees to stay, much to your relief. You basically spring out of the club, hail a cab, overtip the driver, get into your car, and start the 20 minute drive back to the Deis. You put your Dell Dj on. It's set to shuffle. "Sunshine" comes on by the MBC. You think about the last year of your life. You get flooded with emotion. You can't hold it in. The guilt is engulfing you. There's no one around so you let it out. The tears fall, and with them comes relief, understanding, and even a sense of freedom . "But you didn't so anything that bad", you say, trying to comfort yourself. But you're not sure if that's true. You were once much "higher" than this. And the place you're in now is significantly lower. And it hurts. You "feel" again, but doubt that it'll last. So in those moments in the early morning you decide, that as hard as it may be, you will make sure you never get to a point like this again. All the BS of the last two months stops here. You can't promise you'll reattain your former status, but you ain't sinking any more. And over the next few months you make great progress. With the exception of a few nights in bars (and you eventually decide to give those up too), you've been good (you even manage to turn down the advances of a pretty hot girl). You feel yourself growing, yet aren't fully inspired yet. You don't feel as much as you used to. But you're happier than you've been in a long time. So for the time being that's enough.