And So It Goes....

This is never an easy thing to admit, but I've always prided myself in my honesty- even when it may be better not to be so open- and so I'm not ashamed to admit that right now, I'm a little scared. What am I afraid of you might ask? That's simple. The future. It would be nice if I could simply listen to Guster telling me "Don't fear the future", and that "It's all in my head", and in time I may realize that. But right now it isn't that simple. Nine months ago I had the rest of my life planned out. And as the old joke goes, the best way to make G-d laugh is to make a plan. Needless to say just about none of my plans worked out (and now my best friend who was supposed to spend the summer with me is, of course, not going to be able to) . That obviously sucked, but it was OK. I found that I was stronger than I realized, picked up the pieces and started to figure things out. I guess I'm still trying to do that. I have absolutely no idea where the heck I'll be in 4 months, and that scares me. I just received a very interesting, flattering job offer that would take me far from home- which may not be such a bad thing. But I'm not sure I want to quit my job now. I had wanted to take a semester off after I finished college to write, but that didn't happen, yet more and more I feel it's something I should do. I have to find the courage to follow my dreams, and not let the fear of failure consume and distract me. I've come to realize that this is a recurring theme in my life, and must make a conscious effort to stop it.
As I said last time I was facing some interesting climaxes in my life, and here's a brief update. It looks like I'm going ahead on one of those financial matters, I worked out that problem with my family more or less (I had to swallow a lot of pride, which is never easy but sometimes necessary.), figured out when to see "THE SITH", took care of the work stuff, and ended up having baked ziti. But let's be honest, these weren't the matters you all were interested in, you all wanted to know about that dating risk I took. Well things didn't exactly work out so well. I totally put myself out there and it seems I got shot down . And that is 100% ok... painful, but ok. Sometimes you just have to take a risk and do something you believe in. I've done it in the past to mixed success and hope I continue to do it in the future. The bigger the risk the bigger the reward. This time around I took one hell of a chance and may have really screwed things up in my life on many planes. I'm going to do whatever I can to set things right now, which may be quite hard, but I won't regret my decision because the reward was more than worth the risk.
I think, in combining the above paragraphs, that I should learn from the latter in order to improve upon the former. It would be logical for me to be doing much worse than I actually am. It looks like I got crushed again, and yet it seems I'm only walking away with minor bruises. The reason for this is because I know I gave everything I could/put all my chips in/ exhausted every resource (pick your cliche)... I'm not 100% done just yet, but my odds aren't looking too good. But when the finality of this event in my life is established, I willl hold my head high simply because I know I could do no more and that's all I really could ask from myself. I think if I could apply this in all areas in my life I would not only be more successful, but much happier as well. Hopefully, for once, my actions will be able to follow my overly ambitious words.
To all of you who like the blogs that are more reader oriented (e.g. the one on pants or shomer negiah), I do think I'll get back to those soon. But this blog is really for me, and though I do enjoy the genuine intrigue by many of you (the 2200 hits my site has gotten says a lot- and I thank you all for your interest in my sordid writings), sometimes I have to do these more personal ones in order to stabilize some of my thoughts. There is a certain degree of vanity involved in doing a blog (a guilty pleasure that no doubt adds to the blog appeal), and I'll be taking advantage off that in the future. So in the mean time, sit back, relax and enjoy the ramblings of the ever-turning cogs that blossom out of my uncertain conscious (+10 POINTS for weird over-description!)