Return Again

"Once more into the breach, dear friends..."
-Henry V

It's official: I will not only be in in Israel for the summer, but also next year, and maybe beyond. The truth is I'm not really sure how long. Everyone who knows about this has asked me how long I'll be there, and all I can answer is "As long as it takes." I may just make Israel my new home (something I hope to do later in life either way). Right now I'm not really sure, and in many ways that's sort of the point.
I feel like I'm in a good place, or at least as good a place as I could be in, and yet I'm still confused in many areas of my life. I truly want to be the best I can be, and I feel going to Israel is the way to accomplish this goal. I don't know if it's arrogant to say this, but I do feel I am capable of doing great things, I just need the proper guidance and state of mind to accomplish them.

Believe me, making this decision wasn't easy. There was a lot to consider. I would be leaving the Mets during playoff season (which may sound trivial, and perhaps should be, but if the Mets make the post-season it will be tough for a die-hard like myself to miss), I would be leaving my family, many of my friends, my job, my life as I know it. And it's all for the best. In Israel I'll have my best friend, and another very close friend, who I'm sure I'll be even tighter with by the end of the summer (G-d willing the three of us can be as close as we once were). Plus I'll be rooming with another good friend as well. Several of my cousins will also be with me in Israel. So in the friends and family departments I should be OK. I guess the bigger question is the job.
Well, this was perhaps the toughest part of the decision. I really do enjoy my work, and am actually making a decent amount of money for someone my age. But as I was weighing my decision I came to several conclusions. I talked to a lot of people and many of them said the same thing, "Man I wish I could go back to Israel. It would really do me a lot of good." And the truth is, many of them could go to Israel, they're just afraid to. Obviously it would involve making some sacrifices, but it might be the best thing for them (I'm of the opinion that one doesn't generally grow by hanging out in bars and clubs in his/her spare time- though I'd love to hear an argument for it). I also spoke to some high-schoolers I know, who aren't planning to go to Israel (including Shira!- that's right you get a public shoutout for your evil intentions)- WHAT IS THAT?! For the older more established people the reasoning basically came down to either school, money or being "too old". For the youngsters it was just them being in a rush to be in college and growing up, or a fear of getting religious. Everyone needs to slow down, and see the big picture. Look, I'm 23. I'm not the most mature person I know, but I do recognize that I am more of an adult than some of my friends of a similar age, and conversely I see many of my other friends who are much more adult than me. In some ways I'm "old" and in others I see that I'm quite young. I recognize that I have much more growing that I NEED to do. In order to achieve whatever greatness I'm capable of, I must do what needs to be done. I cannot let material and hedonistic distractions get in the way of this, and money is certainly the king of that. I'll still be making some $ in Israel, but I would be making a lot more in America. It was tough but I did have to quite my job as it is now, however, I will still be involved with the organization in many important ways, and will work (and get paid) on a more free lance scale. And so be it. I let money hurt my life once, I am not going to do it again. G-d willing there will be plenty of opportunities to make the Kesef in the future. And it's the future that I am most thinking about. My hopes, which are in no way foolish in this area, are that I will achieve extensive growth (particularly spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally) over the next year(s) of my life, and in doing so will be able to improve on all the facets of myself for the future .

All you guys and girls who say you admire what I'm doing and are envious can do the same(OK so there's only 4 people like this I know of right now, but I'm betting there's more) . Sure you can come up with "good" excuses not to. But if deep down you think it'll be best for you to pick up and go, then you're only cheating yourself by not going. And it doesn't even nececarily have to be Israel. It can be anything. But if you are like I was, and see that you're not leading the life you truly want, then it's time to take a different plunge, and re-invent, re-establish, and return to who you reall are. So many of us were more mature and spiritually sound at age 20 than we are now at age 22 or 23 or 24 (and even older in many cases-just go to the Upper West Side, you'll se what I mean), but we allow ourselves to revert, to be corrupted, to do the wrong thing, and though we may not admit it, we do suffer as a result. If I have to "sacrifice" a year or two of my life in order to better establish myself, then so be it. If I stay where I am not I do believe I won't be able to attain the kind of happiness and resolve I seek.
I am very nervous about this, and even a little afraid. Yet conquering fear is one of my top goals, so I will do my darndest to stay positive and simply focus on the fact that I know I'm doing the right thing. I spent too much time over the last few years doing a lot of the wrong things and plents of nothings as well. I forgot how hard it was not only to do the right thing, but not do the wrong thing. Right now I just want to focus on doing what I believe is right, and not giving into seemingly good, but ultimately lame excuses to avoid doing so.
So back I go. The first time out it was a disaster. Round two I made worlds of improvement, but wasn't focused enough and didn't achieve a few of my goals. Hopefully the third time around I'll get it just right. I'll let you know in a year.